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The day after yesterday

Remaining in bed, enjoying the stillness.
Slowly the day is awakening.

Despite white walls, it’s still too dark to take a pic behind the bookshelf with only an iPad. But – admit – worked a little bit with the pic in Pixlr, by adding a lens flare, and got some colors.
And that’s about how I feel. Colorful & Happy!

Today

Thursday, 8:30 am – breakfast

Today I’ll first focus on collecting the keys, then on packing and organizing the moving boxes. Just keep at hand that what I need for the next less than 24 hours.

I’ll take down the curtains and wash them, and there is also the last load of clothes to be washed. In the afternoon I’ll drive my grandson to the neighborly city. As usual…

That’s quite enough, isn’t it? Would cover the entire day, I guess. If not – there are still some cleaning to be done…

And Tomorrow isn’t until Tomorrow!

Until later!

I guess you won’t be seeing much of me the next couple of days!
I’ll be busy cleaning, preparing, planning, fetching keys, packing and cleaning… and cleaning… and then, take me and my stuff to the new apartment on Friday. (I get help with that. 😀 )

Image: A Jigsaw Puzzle I’ve laid on the iPad; Jigsaw HD by Veraxen. Totally un-edited by me.

Yummy!

Doesn’t this look absolutely totally delicious! At first, I had absolutely no idea where I got this photo from. Skärmavbild 2018-12-02 kl. 12.18.04.pngIt’s not one of my own since I, unfortunately, for the time being don’t have those kinds of veggies at home.  I’m trying to empty my fridge, freezer, and pantry as much as possible these last days before moving. What is it now? How many days left?

FIVE!!!

Later I remembered the photo actually is from one of the jigsaw puzzles I’ve done. And this is straightforward! I haven’t edited the image one bit!

I want this image to reappear in real life, in my new kitchen, on Saturday! 😀

P.S.
This image I found somewhere on Instagram (I think). Yes! Something like that I want my fridge to look like from now on!

IMG_5516.PNG

Insights

To be writing, isn’t the only thing I wish to increase after the move. During these last months I’ve realized one thing after the other which I either want to go back to and start over with, or develop more of into my life.

To the further, I count that I want to catch up taking photos again and make my own images with them as a base. I began to do that when the burn-out was at its worst, and thus could neither read nor write. I’ve never been able to draw or paint with my hands, so when I discovered all the possibilities I could find on the internet with photo programs and editing programs, it felt like a pure blessing. And I found a way to express my creativity, now when the words were gone.

Sometime later I was seated in a Church for a couple of years. Not in the church per se but we were a group of people that rented a bit of space there in order to go together, learn, and get jobs. At first, I was supposed to do the homepage for us, but after a while, since we had this connection with people in the Church, I was asked to make posters for the Sunday sermon for them.

To my own surprise – I became really good at it! I realized I have “an eye” for visual things. Maybe the first posters didn’t appear amazing, but obviously, I was good enough for the Church people to give me free hand to do however I wanted. And as time passed by, I got more and more praise for my work.

My creativity flourished in this. Got to do not only posters for the Sunday sermons, concerts and such, but also folders -among other a 2-months regular information folder, I created some adds for “real” papers, and so on. Yes! I became really good at it!

Already before this period in my life, I liked to visit exhibitions showing photos or paintings. So it was obvious, when I in 2013 met a woman who was not only a colleague of mine but also a painter and a photographer, that we became friends. Through her, I met other painters and find new galleries which I went to when I could. I felt very inspired by it all.

But all the other time, I was very alone. My daughters and older friends were living in another town. Since being incomer in this town, I had no old connections at all. No childhood friends, no school friends, prior to the actual job situation no old work buddies either. I moved to that town in 2006 due to a job offer, and never “fit in”. It’s one of those places where the oldies live by: “If you’re not born here, you don’t belong here.” (And they don’t have to be old, to think that.)

Well, apart from having my art-friends – who mostly were incomers themselves – I had yet a couple of friends and colleagues that were not artists, but after my retirement, they all faded away. All except one, my very best friend! He and I still have contact, despite 120 kilometers distance between us. Mostly iMessage or mail. Occasionally meeting each other, and I’m really happy about that. Let’s just call him R.

Simultaneously my own image-making was growing better and better, and I started to dream. We were hanging out in the church’s cafeteria, which also had a gallery with various kind of artists. Maybe I could…? What about my images! Many people liked them! And I…

It never went that way! I had this burnout lingering on. All my images were on the computer, many of them on old photos, small and with low resolution. It would be expensive to print and frame, so… I never came around. Not there and then…

Finally, I retired. Got even more lonely. A couple of afternoons a week I visited my former office, not being in the church anymore, and had coffee with R and some of the others. I loved those afternoons! We talked and we laughed a lot! But, that was about it! Otherwise I was home. Alone. And lost something.

I don’t mean I lost friends, and I did meet people. Not every day perhaps, but enough. I think I kind of lost myself!

Or rather: I had lost myself way earlier, and now it started to appear. To make me feel! Sounds ridiculous, I know! But it was lots and lots of old stress that came forward. I lost energy. I thought I would bike long, long tours during the summer, but I had lost the go. The little I had… and I was tired. Always tired. Couldn’t read. Couldn’t write. Couldn’t take photos, even less make images. Mostly I just vegetated. Did what I had to do, and went downtown to the office those afternoons…

Found that the nearby church where I lived then, had a meditation group once every other Wednesday evening. Guess that was my rescue, besides R and the others at the office.

I got myself weekly talking hours with the female deacon. (Sometimes I still miss her, like now.) Attended to afternoon gatherings at the parish house once in a while. Was even at the Christmas Concert in the church hall. Way too many people, but wonderful music with choirs and all.

Then the meditation evenings. Especially the coffee time afterward with the discussion of all and everything. There was an agenda on what topic we should go about, but it didn’t feel like an agenda. I felt as a freedom of speech!
And we spoke!

It was wonderful! The first time I was there, I happened to be seated beside an old retired teacher in religion, philosophy, and psychology. Among other items, we talked about – Plato. It was … ecstatic!!!

I realized, like in a flash later that evening, I was utterly stressed from being under-stimulated! I had for so long missed having intellectual, intelligent conversations with sincere people, about topics that matter!!! And when I finally, after a little more than a year at that place ,was moving home, back here, to my own town, I was sad because I would never meet these people again.

I had during these sessions experienced that there were people, strangers in a way, that had come to like me, maybe even love me! They gathered around me when I came, talked to me, cared, kind of mentally embraced me. They said they would miss me when I moved away, and wanted me to come visiting them sometime. But I knew it would probably never happen.

It never does, does it?

Now I’m here. Two years later. At home!
It has taken two years to heal and I’m not yet finished healing. But slowly it’s getting better! One baby-step at a time!

It is not only those eleven years in that town that has made impacts on me. Many in bad ways, but also some good. Nevertheless, there are many more issues that are way older than that. And some of those I’ve written myself free from when I wrote about Mom. (See category “Down Memory Lane”)

Some, maybe I will never even remember…


NOW!

Recently I surprised myself again when I suddenly opened one of my coloring apps and started coloring! Next step will maybe be to takes photos again. Making images from scratch! 😀
And of course the writing!!!

It is getting better, even with baby-steps. Isn’t it?

Experimenting

Finding a raw drawing on one of the color-apps.
Playing around with color and shades.
Choosing one of the effects…
… a filter of my liking…
… color for the lines…

Save and take it further to the pixlr app – Now the real fun begins…

Moving along

What I do, when I don’t do what I ought to do? First of all – I skip the “ought to do”. And move along.

Of course, I can do that on the couch! You don’t have to be physically active to move along! Although life acquires some physical activity as well. In different ways. And quite a lot, actually. But that’s another kind of physical activity. Walking, biking, working out, running… whatever!

My “working out” now, is mostly inside of me. Some as subtle as a sudden memory. Not for long, no pondering or deeper reflections. More like when you browse through a pack of photos, glance at each for a second or two, and then put it aside. You may think, “Oh, that was him! What was his name now again?” or “Oh! She! She was nice.” And a sudden feeling of nostalgia or longing for someone or something temporarily builds up inside.

It can also be a place, an event, a travel, a birthday party. Or anything! Whatever it is, it’s just floating around in the memory bank for a short while, and then it disappears again.

In a similar way, thoughts have popped forward in my mind about what has happened lately. What enhancements I have developed during the last… months? Maybe during the last two years, but especially – I believe – since this summer.

I’m longing for – and see myself in my mind – writing, taking photos, making images… I see myself sitting at my desk in the new apartment, not only blogging but creating novels, short stories. Finally! My longing for my former writing-life to reappear seems to be manifested soon now!

Just the other day, while driving my grandson to work, somehow the topic “writing” arouse. I don’t remember why or how. But suddenly I found myself shortly telling him about the main lines of one story, and some of the characters. Simultaneously, I got this wonderful feeling, a kind of happiness without words. I wanted to start writing on that story again. I wanted it so much I could hardly breathe for a short moment. Not literally, of course, I didn’t actually stop breathing.

But the feeling!!!

Yes! Next weekend will for certain be a different time, a different life. I don’t even have to close my eyes, to see myself sitting in front of the desk, writing. And that’s not the only thing I want to do, which I don’t do much of now, but will be doing then. I’m so looking forward to it all!

 

 

Living on the couch

When a couple of days ago I realized the move is due next week, it suddenly felt so close. I mean, if you say “in 10 days” or “in 12 days” or even “in 8 days” contra “next week”, it sure does feel closer with “next week”, doesn’t it? More urgent, somehow. More “now, let’s go on with it”! – So I go on.

  • Packing – can’t do much more of that until the day before. Just minimize the clutter.
  • Cleaning – an ongoing project. Done some, doing more, little by little.

First, already some weeks ago, I cleaned the wardrobes. Now I use them as storage for moving boxes.
Later on, I cleaned the upper cupboards in the kitchen.
This Monday I cleaned the windows in the bathroom and the kitchen. Not a big deal, since those windows aren’t particularly big. The bathroom window is actually quite small.

On the other hand, the windows in the room which I cleaned yesterday, happened to be quite a big deal. Old building with old windows. Stiff and stubborn to get opened so I could clean in between. They are luckily facing the patio, so I could stand outside and not bother about dripping water – but it was cold.

To make a long story short: I was really glad when this was done, and I could go inside laying down on the couch for a while, put an extra wool-cardigan on, the heating pad underneath me, and the warmest blanket covering me. Then, when the worst chills were gone, I made myself a bowl of warm, thick soup. Kitchari, by the way. It’s a kind of rice-lentil-curry course. I love it!

But still! It feels good to have this part done!


Today it’s raining and blowing very intensely. I had in mind to go to the gym. Haven’t been there for about three weeks due to a very persistent could which also have tampered with my stomach. Not extremely ill, not necessarily bedridden, and I could manage to fulfill my obligations, but it for sure held me down a lot. On the couch.
(What’s the difference between a couch and a sofa, by the way?)

Okay! So it’s a hell of a weather today, and I didn’t go to the gym! I don’t have any obligations to perform either, not until Monday afternoon. So I can stay here, peacefully, on the couch. With the warming pad beneath, a thick woolly cardigan and the warmest blanket on, ’cause his is a COLD apartment, and it certainly doesn’t get better with a storm grazing outdoors!

Oh! It isn’t actually a storm. Yet! It’s “only” blowing 18-20 m/s. A storm is due at, at least, 24 m/s. Nevertheless, the weather forecast has put on a Class 1 warning. The storm Diana is approaching from the British Islands and could give gust at no less than 30 m/s. And now it’s striking our west-coast. And there I live.

Lucky me, though! I don’t have to go or bike anywhere. I can stay here, warm and comfortable on the couch, under the blanket, catching up on some blogging, writing… perhaps even reading. Taking a nap after lunch…

Life is wonderful! Isn’t it?