… I felt very hesitant.

I knew I wanted to write. Otherwise I wouldn’t have started this

I knew I wanted to write about personal growth, somehow. But exactly – about what?  About me?
I gathered that issue would come out just fine, just as long as I had started. But still something stopped me. For days it stopped me. For weeks.

Then… should I write in my native language or i English? Well, now I have decided that, as you can see. At least something that is cleared. Even though it is a little bit harder to write in English, it also means that I can feel more anonymous, and to write more freely. At least I hope so. No one that knows me in real life, will know this is me.

So? Could I let my inhibitions go now and just open my heart, be free to write from within?

Oh my God! Why is it so difficult to let go!

But at least this is better than nothing. It’s been nothing for so long, and I really need to find out what’s bothering me in the depth of my unconscious self.

You see! I’ve been living with anxiety and with pain and stiffness in my muscles for many many years. I’ve been trying many solutions, but there is something still there. Something that won’t go away. Physiotherapy helps somewhat, but not enough. The stiffness won’t disappear.

I’ve tested for food allergies, and excluded a lot of food. All kind of dairies, milk, cheese, icecream et cetera. Cereals like wheat, rye and oats. And I can no longer eat anything from the coconut. The latest I’ve given up is meat. All kind of meat! I think I can eat small amounts occasionally, I’m not totally allergic, but if I eat “normally” I feel like I’ve eaten concrete. Still eat eggs, though, but I’ve lessen the amount.

And the stomach still growls at me. Luckily not as much now after I’ve stopped eating meat, but it’s not quite alright yet. Maybe it just need some more time to re-boot.

What more?
Often tired. Muscle-tired and sleepy-tired. Don’t sleep well at night because of the stiffness and the pain. Sometimes I feel the old anxiety, which I thought had left me finally, and lately I just sometimes feel weird. Can’t explain. Start crying suddenly, to my own surprise.

I can’t have this any longer!

I don’t think “pills” from the doctor is appropriate. On the contrary! I have been using painkillers periodically, but that’s all. Have been offered stronger stuff several times, but I don’t want that. It doesn’t heal anything! At best it takes away the pain – for a while – but then it hurts the body instead.

I have been listening to and been saying affirmations, been falling asleep to meditation videos and those videos with solfeggio frequencies. I believe, that what you think becomes true, I have a lot of proof of that and I’m learning how to live that way. But still! There is something stuck inside of me! Despite all those you tube-videos with all the right frequencies and healing-promises.

But at least I fall asleep with them…

I believe, that as long as there is some kind of “poison” inside you, either there is something hidden and stuck, or if you keep giving yourself more “poison”, it doesn’t help what you try to do to feel better.

If you, for example, actually are allergic to milk protein, adding lactate or vitamins and minerals doesn’t make you feel better. Neither some kind of cleansing methods. You have to stop drinking milk and eating cheese!

And if there are some psychological matter deep inside, you have to find that pain and its origin, and release it before you can let go of anxiety, rheumatism, headaches or whatever you suffer from.

What made me realize this, was just a couple of days ago when I read Alice Millers book “Breaking down the wall of silence”, about the connection of child abuse and the later grown up life.

The pain from being abused, whether it is physically or  psychologically, is pushed away and hidden deep inside the child and (seemingly) forgotten, and as a grown up this hidden pain tries to reappear. But instead of remembering the actual pain and its causes, “who did it”, it appears as for example pain, illness, anxiety or something else. The conscious mind is trying to keep those feelings of sadness, pain and terror down, to all costs.

For the moment I can’t write more about this. maybe later. But this book reminded me of something that I had some conscious memories about – my mother used Silence towards me as punishment. She  shut me out, could even say that she “froze” me out! I don’t even know why I was punished! Was I too loud? Did I get angry and acted out? Did I badger or was whining about something?

Or had she already, already when I was only a tiny little baby, shut me out if I showed some temper? I have got diagnosed ADHD, and through out my entire life I have never felt anger. Not until very recently after I realized the awkwardness about that phenomena. And also remembered a specific time when I was “frozen” out and due to that started to put some thoughts together.

And now the faith/my inner self/God saw to I got this book by Alice Miller, a chance to find out what poison I have inside me, and help me heal my wounds.

No wonder I cry when I see romantic movies. I so much long for the love I didn’t get from mom when I was a child.
But at least I had Dad, so it could have been much worse.