It doesn’t want what I want, the Ego.
As long as I only listened to videos with affirmations, or fell to sleep with meditation-videos and such, this obviously didn’t feel threatening to the Ego. It was used to this. And I was only listening, not actually doing anything. Not even the books I read, or the other stuff I occupied myself with, could have been deep enough to frighten the Ego.
I have to admit this to myself, even though I thought I was doing something, that in turn would do something positive for my inner Self, the actual Me. But, still, I must have done something right, since I was slowly led further.
First I was led to A Course in Miracles in the shape of the Podcast “A Course in What” with Cynthia Morgan. She is reading the Text, one paragraph at the time, and then talks about it.
Really good! I appreciated this, even though I didn’t understand much of it. Now and then, however, something really kicked in! So I kept listening. Every day at breakfast. Until recently…
I knew this wasn’t the ultimate way to go, when trying to learn the Course, but I saw it as a beginning! A first step! And as such, I don’t think it was bad at all. On the contrary! But to be honest, I have known about ACIM for at least 30 years. Maybe more. And sometime in the mid nineties I received a copy of the book as a gift, but I just looked in it by then, didn’t read.
Now it has come to get me again – and this time I’ll listen, and learn. I want to!
I have actually been more or less involved in the spiritual movement since sometime in the eighties. No! Already in the seventies, as I recall! But at that time, it was merely as a whisper. It was later something started to happen in me, especially after I got hold of Shirley MacLaine’s books, Out on a limb. I read, and then I read everything I could find, written by her.
After that came Deepak Chopra with “Perfect Health”; James Redfield… Louise Hay… and there it was!
So I’ve been going on spiritually for quite some time now! Expanding! Reading books, watched videos, listening to channelings et cetera. I’ve done it all, and know about lots and lots of “Gurus”. Though all this has been divided in periods. For years I’ve been reading, watching, exploring – and then for years I haven’t done anything at all that has to do with spirituality! And then in it again! And again…
Now I’m here. After fibromyalgia, burned-out, stress, unease, pain, stiffness, unable to concentrate, to read, to write…
What I did? I retired and moved back to my hometown and my family – HOME! – and among other things I re-devoted myself to the spiritual realm.
Let’s return to ACIM and the present moment.
Since I couldn’t concentrate on, even less understand what that Podcast episodes tried to tell me, I realized it had to do with the Ego. Resistance! It noticed I had started to change, and that was not what the Ego wanted. It had to stop me! I knew this would happened, just not in what way.
So I turned into myself with a prayer. “What shall I do! Help me!” And not long after I found myself looking for another Podcast with ACIM. And found “Daily A Course in Miracles” with Carol Howe.
Oddly enough I didn’t understand at first that this was the Lessons. I was puzzled while downloading the episodes: “Why only a year?” Then it hit me!
It hit me so hard, that the thought came to me to search for her on youtube! And found even better things! Besides the 365 episodes of “ACIM”, I found a video called “What to expect when starting ACIM?” The first video in a series of I don’t know how many.
Just what I needed!
So yesterday morning I started with Lesson one, listened to it I don’t know how many times, read the Lesson in the Book (iBooks), and tried to do the Lesson a couple of times. (So I’m a bit late writing about this since it’s already Day Two…)
I also turned to youtube to find Tina Louise Spalding who is trance channeling Ananda and Jesus, and listened to her videos the entire evening. Yeah! I was for sure in a wonderful flow!
Today I have got myself a Google account and a mail-adress there, then I signed up for Youtube Pro, in order to follow both Tina and Carol – and what ever more that will come to me.
And I attend to be back daily with what happens when trying to learn the Lessons. I’m just a little bit late starting to do that… this post took me most of the day to accomplish…
(Oh gosh! What a promise I just made!)
Painting by Matisse, Harmony in red