Posted in Soulfulness

It’s called resistance

It doesn’t want what I want, the Ego.

As long as I only listened to videos with affirmations, or fell to sleep with meditation-videos and such, this obviously didn’t feel threatening to the Ego. It was used to this. And I was only listening, not actually doing anything. Not even the books I read, or the other stuff I occupied myself with, could have been deep enough to frighten the Ego.

I have to admit this to myself, even though I thought I was doing something, that in turn would do something positive for my inner Self, the actual Me. But, still, I must have done something right, since I was slowly led further.

First I was led to A Course in Miracles in the shape of the Podcast “A Course in What” with Cynthia Morgan. She is reading the Text, one paragraph at the time, and then talks about it.

Really good! I appreciated this, even though I didn’t understand much of it. Now and then, however, something really kicked in! So I kept listening. Every day at breakfast. Until recently…

I knew this wasn’t the ultimate way to go, when trying to learn the Course, but I saw it as a beginning! A first step! And as such, I don’t think it was bad at all. On the contrary! But to be honest, I have known about ACIM for at least 30 years. Maybe more. And sometime in the mid nineties I received a copy of the book as a gift, but I just looked in it by then, didn’t read.

Now it has come to get me again – and this time I’ll listen, and learn. I want to!

I have actually been more or less involved in the spiritual movement since sometime in the eighties. No! Already in the seventies, as I recall! But at that time, it was merely as a whisper. It was later something started to happen in me, especially after I got hold of Shirley MacLaine’s books, Out on a limb. I read, and then I read everything I could find, written by her.

After that came Deepak Chopra with “Perfect Health”; James Redfield… Louise Hay… and there it was!

So I’ve been going on spiritually for quite some time now! Expanding! Reading books, watched videos, listening to channelings et cetera. I’ve done it all, and know about lots and lots of “Gurus”. Though all this has been divided in periods. For years I’ve been reading, watching, exploring – and then for years I haven’t done anything at all that has to do with spirituality! And then in it again! And again…

And now!

Now I’m here. After fibromyalgia, burned-out, stress, unease, pain, stiffness, unable to concentrate, to read, to write…

What I did? I retired and moved back to my hometown and my family – HOME! – and among other things I re-devoted myself to the spiritual realm.

Let’s return to ACIM and the present moment.
Since I couldn’t concentrate on, even less understand what that Podcast episodes tried to tell me, I realized it had to do with the Ego. Resistance! It noticed I had started to change, and that was not what the Ego wanted. It had to stop me! I knew this would happened, just not in what way.

So I turned into myself with a prayer. “What shall I do! Help me!” And not long after I found myself looking for another Podcast with ACIM. And found “Daily A Course in Miracles” with Carol Howe.

Oddly enough I didn’t understand at first that this was the Lessons. I was puzzled while downloading the episodes: “Why only a year?” Then it hit me!

It hit me so hard, that the thought came to me to search for her on youtube! And found even better things! Besides the 365 episodes of “ACIM”,  I found a video called “What to expect when starting ACIM?” The first video in a series of I don’t know how many.

Just what I needed!

So yesterday morning I started with Lesson one, listened to it I don’t know how many times, read the Lesson in the Book (iBooks), and tried to do the Lesson a couple of times. (So I’m a bit late writing about this since it’s already Day Two…)

I also turned to youtube to find Tina Louise Spalding who is trance channeling Ananda and Jesus, and listened to her videos the entire evening. Yeah! I was for sure in a wonderful flow!

Today I have got myself a Google account and a mail-adress there, then I signed up for Youtube Pro, in order to follow both Tina and Carol – and what ever more that will come to me.

And I attend to be back daily with what happens when trying to learn the Lessons. I’m just a little bit late starting to do that… this post took me most of the day to accomplish…

(Oh gosh! What a promise I just made!)


Painting by Matisse, Harmony in red

Posted in Soulfulness

That’s what matters

I have a goal! Actually, I have more than one, but this particular one is to write every day. More specifically – write posts to this blog, and most of them about me, about the abuse, about Mom – and most of all – about growing in spirit!

It isn’t like that. I don’t write every day. Partly I blame the infamous heatwave, which isn’t fair really. After all, when writing you sit practically totally still at a chair. Or something. But the heat also affects the brain! It’s harder to think. It’s harder to concentrate. At least to me it is. And I have no cool place to hide in.

Partly I blame – but this one in a good way – what I’ve been messing with in my mind lately. Writing about Mom and memories from childhood. Pondering issues and memories about other things in my past. My former husband f.ex. Lots of other things. All this, have started something in me. Changes! I get all these AHA-moments of realization! I’m being more and more aware.

But the writing has almost stopped. Only temporarily though!

Like when you’re learning a new language, for example, it’s like walking up a stair. You increase your vocabulary – climb up a step – then you have to pause for a period, while the new knowledge sink in. Then you can learn some new words, or some grammar until you reach the next step in your learning curve. And need to pause for a while.

I was writing about Granny, when she suddenly didn’t want to participate any longer. I continued with my draft, but “It” wasn’t present. It took me a while to realize that I needed that pause now, for the previous AHAs to settle.

Now, looking back at what I’ve written so far (not all of it is in this blog), it appears both really huge and astonishing, as well as very little actually written compared to what I thought I would be writing and pondering.

Maybe I lure myself into thinking I’ve solved a lot of matters. Maybe I’m just standing on some of the first steps on the stair, pausing. But if so?  What if I’ve only climbed one step so far? It’s still one step in a really good direction. Isn’t it?

I feel fine! That’s what matters.
I feel more content and at peace! That’s what matters.
I feel better than I did just one or two months ago! That’s what matters.

I feel I don’t necessarily need to dig in my past anymore. That’s what matters. I can do it if I want to, if it pleases me, but it isn’t  needed!

And if something does need to be revealed to me, about the past or anything else, it will be revealed to me. In due time!

Painting by Man Ray – 1950 ALINE ET VALCOUR

Man Ray