I’ve been a bit “off” recently. Mostly, I guess, due to the extremely dry and hot weather. And it hasn’t been raining for weeks and weeks! The amount that has come, is like one drop in the ocean.
I guess my “off” is also partly due to the fact I’m stirring around in my inner memory-box. Realizing what once was, and what now is leaving me. One step at a time. Also hard to concentrate. Reading is okay, but writing what I wish to write here, is hard. I aimed to write about my family, and my granny stood before my mind. Started to write, but… What I had written seemed so pretentious, maybe even overambitious. Lousy, second-rate!
I couldn’t even concentrate when listening to the podcast “A course in… what?” with Cynthia Morgan. Or – honestly – even less than usual.
Then, when I was at home for a quick lunch, I hastily browsed the blogs I follow and found this quote from A course in Miracles, in today’s post from Celia Hayes on her blog “Miracles each day”. The title of the post is: “Forgiving our parents” and starts like this: (Hope you don’t mind, Celia!)
“Why should anyone accord an obvious misperception so much power? There cannot be any real justification for it, because even you yourself recognize the real problem when you say, ‘How could they do this to me?’ The answer is they didn’t.
“You have a very serious question to ask yourself in this connection. We said before that the purpose of the resurrection was to demonstrate that no amount of misperception has any influence at all on a Son of God. This demonstration exonerates those who misperceive, by establishing beyond doubt that they have not hurt anyone. Your question, which you must ask yourself very honestly, is whether you are willing to demonstrate that your parents have not hurt you. Unless you are willing to do this, you have not forgiven them.” (ACIM, COA ed., T-3.VIII.9:1-3 and 10:1-5)
Reading this gave me a kind of confirmation, a feed back, that my reactions after writing and contemplating what I remembered about Mom, was real. So! She hurt my feelings deeply. It made me feel unloved, unsured, with lack of self-confidence, and so on. However, I can’t hate her because of that! Can’t feel any anger! She did neither knew nor understood better. She did the best she could due to the circumstances.
I’m so very much a new-beginner when it comes to A course in Miracles. I can’t find anything I look for in the text, and I understand not even half of what I so far have read and listened to. Wrong! Not even 1%!!!
But somewhere in the beginning – and probably in other places too – you can read that nothing can really hurt you! The real you! It can hurt your body, your pride, your ego. But those are not you! You are a soul living in a body, not a body that has a soul within. And this soul, the real you, can not be hurt!
This also fits in with my since long belief, that things, events, situations, even though they may seem awful, scaring, hurtful in some way or another, also have a positive side or outcome! What is the good in this? or How can this experience benefit me? or What can I learn from this? – you may ask yourself. You may not always realize the good part while still in the situation in question, but afterwards! Sooner or later. (Better later then never!)
In this case, she abusing me mentally as a child, has been causing me trouble (simply speaking) during my life, no question about that. But! What good can I see in it? Well! One thing I’ve now come to think of, might be that I’ve been a seeker most of my life. Would I’ve been seeking for love and the meaning of life, ans the spiritual growth, if I not had been treated the way she treated me as a child?
Of course I could have, but I would never know that for sure, would I? I just have a hunch, that the longing for love and recognition, searching for and failing to find – led also to include the longing for a spiritual growth.
Something else? Well! Since I now have seen another side of Mom, understand a lot more about her, and can see the victim she was, I not only feel sorry for her! I feel deep compassion for her, and maybe even love for her is growing in me.
While writing all this, I was lead to another memory.
I was sixteen, had recently met my husband to be, and had fallen in love with him. Naturally I was so full of it, that I one afternoon suddenly found myself telling Mom about how he and I met and… Oh I don’t remember what more I told her or how I said it!
But! During the conversation she looked so happy, so joyful when I opened up to her. That was something I never did, open up to her. And I realized her joy like in the back of my mind somewhere, and felt surprised. Could she? Actually? Listen to me? Without saying something, or pursing her entire face in a way that would make me close up again, quick as a flea on the run?
I was too young. Had no experience and got no hunch about acting on this. I mean, to continue talking more openly to her about other things as well! How could I have done that? How could I’ve been so strong and mature to even understand, that this would be doable? No! I couldn’t. I had learned from day one, that talking to her like equals, would never happen. She was superior! Spotless! Perfect! And I was always the little child who couldn’t do anything.
But I can’t help wondering – IF I had started to talk to her more, show her more attention and concern, had she then been able to act positively on that? I have my doubts, but who knows? Sometimes all there is, is just a little something to turn things around.
But that never happened…
I was too young, in many senses…
And she was stuck in her perceptions…
Your question, which you must ask yourself very honestly, is whether you are willing to demonstrate that your parents have not hurt you. Unless you are willing to do this, you have not forgiven them.
Yes! I am willing!
Painting by Picasso