That’s what matters

I have a goal! Actually, I have more than one, but this particular one is to write every day. More specifically – write posts to this blog, and most of them about me, about the abuse, about Mom – and most of all – about growing in spirit!

It isn’t like that. I don’t write every day. Partly I blame the infamous heatwave, which isn’t fair really. After all, when writing you sit practically totally still at a chair. Or something. But the heat also affects the brain! It’s harder to think. It’s harder to concentrate. At least to me it is. And I have no cool place to hide in.

Partly I blame – but this one in a good way – what I’ve been messing with in my mind lately. Writing about Mom and memories from childhood. Pondering issues and memories about other things in my past. My former husband f.ex. Lots of other things. All this, have started something in me. Changes! I get all these AHA-moments of realization! I’m being more and more aware.

But the writing has almost stopped. Only temporarily though!

Like when you’re learning a new language, for example, it’s like walking up a stair. You increase your vocabulary – climb up a step – then you have to pause for a period, while the new knowledge sink in. Then you can learn some new words, or some grammar until you reach the next step in your learning curve. And need to pause for a while.

I was writing about Granny, when she suddenly didn’t want to participate any longer. I continued with my draft, but “It” wasn’t present. It took me a while to realize that I needed that pause now, for the previous AHAs to settle.

Now, looking back at what I’ve written so far (not all of it is in this blog), it appears both really huge and astonishing, as well as very little actually written compared to what I thought I would be writing and pondering.

Maybe I lure myself into thinking I’ve solved a lot of matters. Maybe I’m just standing on some of the first steps on the stair, pausing. But if so?  What if I’ve only climbed one step so far? It’s still one step in a really good direction. Isn’t it?

I feel fine! That’s what matters.
I feel more content and at peace! That’s what matters.
I feel better than I did just one or two months ago! That’s what matters.

I feel I don’t necessarily need to dig in my past anymore. That’s what matters. I can do it if I want to, if it pleases me, but it isn’t  needed!

And if something does need to be revealed to me, about the past or anything else, it will be revealed to me. In due time!

Painting by Man Ray – 1950 ALINE ET VALCOUR

Man Ray