Just the other day, when I was on my way home from the grocery store with a load of fresh fruit and vegetables, my thoughts were mingling along this blog. I had planned to write about my childhood, the abuse and so on, when suddenly – there was no more to write about! I felt emptied, though not in a bad way.
So the thoughts glided over to my Mom, and suddenly I (silently) bursted out: I love you, Mom! And started to cry. Luckily not so heavy that anyone saw or heard me. It was a deep feeling, though! A good feeling.
This is the first time in my entire life, as far as I know and remember, that I’ve said those words to her. I haven’t even been able to think them, or even remotely let myself come near those feelings. Thinking of Mom always made me feel very awkward, uncomfortable, strained even.
And now – just the other day – I said “I love you, Mom!” and felt okay with that. More than okay!
Then I thought: “Why on earth don’t I continue to write about my childhood and my family?” I may not remember much, but all of it wasn’t about abuse in different ways, or other bad things. There were a lot of good things as well!
And I might remember more, when I start going down Memory Lane.
One thing I’ve realized while writing and thinking about this topic, is how all this has affected my grown up life. How fearful I’ve been to express love, afraid of being rejected. I’ve sometimes been called “cold” or “reserved”. I do have feelings! I do love, and care, feel compassion and more. But obviously haven’t been able to express them. And then I have drawn myself back.
I don’t want that any more!
I now let all that go, I don’t need that behavior any longer.
It proctected my as a child, but that was a long time ago.
I now love both the child I once was,
and the mature woman I’m now.
Painting by Shaun Tan