I feel….

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I feel so…
I feel…

I… don’t quite know how I feel, or what I feel.
A least I can’t put a label on it!

I’m not sad, not angry, not … not anything negative, really!

On the whole, I feel good. I like being back in my city, close to my daughters.
I love my apartment, really enjoy living here.

I don’t have many friends, but I love those I have.
I’m mostly alone, but enjoy that! Feel good when being in my solitude and silence.

So far, so good!
But still, there is something. I think the word frustrated is the most appropriate one.

I want so much to write and to read, as I used too.
Not too long ago I got new ideas all the time, and I wrote and I wrote! And I read books by the minute! All the time I had some book in my hands.

And now! Nothing comes to me!
No! Not quite true! Lately, I’ve begun getting ideas again. During the past few months only. Or even weeks. After the move?
Unfortunately neither due for a novel, nor a short story, nor anything like that. But something I could make into a blog post! I’m being out somewhere, and get some kind of monologue in my head. I feel happy about that.

Finally, finally, I can write again! Like I used to!

Then.
When home.
Sitting in front of my computer.
All is lost and all I can see is a huge black mountain which I can’t climb.
Even the threshold is too high for me to climb.
It is so frustrating.

Reading? Well, I do read some. There was a time, not that long ago, when I couldn’t concentrate on reading at all. Then slowly that ability awakened, but I’m still a long way from reading as I used to.

But I do blog, don’t I?
Yes! I do!
And I’m so happy about that enhancement in my writing life, but I can also see most of those posts are quite mediocre. I want to do better!
I can do better!

The best ones,though, are those I wrote during the first months of this blog’s existence. The ones about my Mom and the abuse. I just don’t need to write more about that topic. I’m in peace with Mom! Pity, in a way, but one can’t dwell in the past. It’s the now that counts.

So why do I still have a problem with writing?

In early 2006 I moved to a city some 80 km north from where I live now. Many times during the years thereafter, I wondered why on earth I made that move. Well! I was offered a job there, and there was also a Mr. Somebody whom I thought maybe could be Mr. Right. But both the Job and the Mr soon went down the drain. Picturesquely speaking.

But left, was this push I had got in my butt when the Mr had said:
“WRITE! You have it in you!”

Immediately I searched for writing classes, then I wrote and I studied, got writing friends and kept on like that until 2012. And as you probably understand already, this was NOT the first time I was writing anything literary. I done that to and fro ever since I learned to write. And I read books before that. Read all the time, everywhere, and my mother all the time told me not to. It wasn’t good for my eyes, she claimed!!!

I didn’t realize it just then, but I had during a couple of years developed a burn-out condition. What I had noticed, was that it had become difficult for me to come up with new stories for the classes, and even harder for me to read and then comment on my fellows writing-pieces. For a while, I cheated. From me, I chose old stories to bring instead of writing anything new; and I glanced a bit on the other guys’ texts and then commented something… very general…

But I realized after a couple of semesters this wasn’t reasonable. I didn’t write anything new, I didn’t learn anything new, and I didn’t contribute anything to my writing friends.

I gave up.

So when I say I wrote and worked in the classes with writing until Christmas 2012, it isn’t quite true. I tried to, wrote some, and actually one of my most beautiful short stories I wrote in 2012. But I felt like a failure. A very tired and lonely failure.

It took me a couple of years before I truly realized all this was due to stress. My brain, my mind, couldn’t take my present situation any longer and  – in a way – shut down parts of itself.

Well! I still functioned! I kept doing what I had to do to survive. No one to help me through my daily life, I had to go on. But I kept me more and more to myself since I had no energy left for doing anything else.

I don’t say all was black and sad and lonely and depressed. Oh no! First of all, all these m o m e n t s occurred in periods, and some periods were good! Many days were good! What helped me a lot, was when I discovered my ability to express myself in images, and in making posters and such. Lots of colors. My fantasy had a way to go, through editing photos, adding filters, playing with lensflares and such possibilities. I still do that sometimes, but way back then – mostly between late 2013 til late 2016 – it was kind of lifeline to me

And now! On my way…

Later I used to say, I could from 2012 and forward, very well have worked with proofreading and/or editing texts. My skills and my talent, which I have had all my life, and my knowledge and capability were still intact. What I had lost were the fantasy and the ability to concentrate. But that was frustrating enough!

Frustrating! Yes! Still!
But I’m grateful I now can write blog posts fairly frequently and fairly fluent – even in English. But my own opinion of how I write and even more about what I write – is that it is quite mediocre. I can be more interesting! I can do better! I want to do better!

A cat rescuing me!!! Some vegan thoughts!!!

At the same time, it kind of amazes me, that I’ve chosen to write in English! Why? When it’s so much quicker and easier to write in Swedish? Okay! There are more than one answer, to that question. But the bottom line is, that I’m actually good at writing! In my own language, that is. In Swedish! I have a large vocabulary, I’m really good at spelling, and I know my grammar. I know so much grammar, that I also can bend the rules if I want to. And make the text understandable and “right”!

I’m also good with “showing not telling”, and dialogues. I can make people feel “like they are there” when they read. And I would be hugely ashamed of myself if I had to use Grammarly when writing in Swedish – if there is a Grammarly for Swedish texts, that is…

Writing in English is quite different. It’s not only on commas, that Grammarly and I have different opinions…

Despite all this in my back pocket – 

I can’t reach my imagination, and my brain is still not sufficiently cooperative when it comes to focusing on words! I feel numb!
I’ve been pondering to continue writing on some of my old drafts, I have a couple of quite good ones to chose from. The thought has felt quite appealing, actually. But so far nothing has gotten beyond that thought. 😦

Talk about being frustrated!

And writing in English! – It takes at least twice the time to write something. So blurting out all these words must be extraordinary, and how many hours has this taken me? I have absolutely no idea!

It must be hope somewhere, mustn’t it?

(Also when writing in Swedish I’m very particular,
but at least I used to land it faulty-free there and then.)

 

 

Longing…

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Still in bed. Glancing through the window. It’s still snowing…

Longing for summer.

Image: one of the reassembled jigsaw puzzles on my iPad