I feel….

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I feel so…
I feel…

I… don’t quite know how I feel, or what I feel.
A least I can’t put a label on it!

I’m not sad, not angry, not … not anything negative, really!

On the whole, I feel good. I like being back in my city, close to my daughters.
I love my apartment, really enjoy living here.

I don’t have many friends, but I love those I have.
I’m mostly alone, but enjoy that! Feel good when being in my solitude and silence.

So far, so good!
But still, there is something. I think the word frustrated is the most appropriate one.

I want so much to write and to read, as I used too.
Not too long ago I got new ideas all the time, and I wrote and I wrote! And I read books by the minute! All the time I had some book in my hands.

And now! Nothing comes to me!
No! Not quite true! Lately, I’ve begun getting ideas again. During the past few months only. Or even weeks. After the move?
Unfortunately neither due for a novel, nor a short story, nor anything like that. But something I could make into a blog post! I’m being out somewhere, and get some kind of monologue in my head. I feel happy about that.

Finally, finally, I can write again! Like I used to!

Then.
When home.
Sitting in front of my computer.
All is lost and all I can see is a huge black mountain which I can’t climb.
Even the threshold is too high for me to climb.
It is so frustrating.

Reading? Well, I do read some. There was a time, not that long ago, when I couldn’t concentrate on reading at all. Then slowly that ability awakened, but I’m still a long way from reading as I used to.

But I do blog, don’t I?
Yes! I do!
And I’m so happy about that enhancement in my writing life, but I can also see most of those posts are quite mediocre. I want to do better!
I can do better!

The best ones,though, are those I wrote during the first months of this blog’s existence. The ones about my Mom and the abuse. I just don’t need to write more about that topic. I’m in peace with Mom! Pity, in a way, but one can’t dwell in the past. It’s the now that counts.

So why do I still have a problem with writing?

In early 2006 I moved to a city some 80 km north from where I live now. Many times during the years thereafter, I wondered why on earth I made that move. Well! I was offered a job there, and there was also a Mr. Somebody whom I thought maybe could be Mr. Right. But both the Job and the Mr soon went down the drain. Picturesquely speaking.

But left, was this push I had got in my butt when the Mr had said:
“WRITE! You have it in you!”

Immediately I searched for writing classes, then I wrote and I studied, got writing friends and kept on like that until 2012. And as you probably understand already, this was NOT the first time I was writing anything literary. I done that to and fro ever since I learned to write. And I read books before that. Read all the time, everywhere, and my mother all the time told me not to. It wasn’t good for my eyes, she claimed!!!

I didn’t realize it just then, but I had during a couple of years developed a burn-out condition. What I had noticed, was that it had become difficult for me to come up with new stories for the classes, and even harder for me to read and then comment on my fellows writing-pieces. For a while, I cheated. From me, I chose old stories to bring instead of writing anything new; and I glanced a bit on the other guys’ texts and then commented something… very general…

But I realized after a couple of semesters this wasn’t reasonable. I didn’t write anything new, I didn’t learn anything new, and I didn’t contribute anything to my writing friends.

I gave up.

So when I say I wrote and worked in the classes with writing until Christmas 2012, it isn’t quite true. I tried to, wrote some, and actually one of my most beautiful short stories I wrote in 2012. But I felt like a failure. A very tired and lonely failure.

It took me a couple of years before I truly realized all this was due to stress. My brain, my mind, couldn’t take my present situation any longer and  – in a way – shut down parts of itself.

Well! I still functioned! I kept doing what I had to do to survive. No one to help me through my daily life, I had to go on. But I kept me more and more to myself since I had no energy left for doing anything else.

I don’t say all was black and sad and lonely and depressed. Oh no! First of all, all these m o m e n t s occurred in periods, and some periods were good! Many days were good! What helped me a lot, was when I discovered my ability to express myself in images, and in making posters and such. Lots of colors. My fantasy had a way to go, through editing photos, adding filters, playing with lensflares and such possibilities. I still do that sometimes, but way back then – mostly between late 2013 til late 2016 – it was kind of lifeline to me

And now! On my way…

Later I used to say, I could from 2012 and forward, very well have worked with proofreading and/or editing texts. My skills and my talent, which I have had all my life, and my knowledge and capability were still intact. What I had lost were the fantasy and the ability to concentrate. But that was frustrating enough!

Frustrating! Yes! Still!
But I’m grateful I now can write blog posts fairly frequently and fairly fluent – even in English. But my own opinion of how I write and even more about what I write – is that it is quite mediocre. I can be more interesting! I can do better! I want to do better!

A cat rescuing me!!! Some vegan thoughts!!!

At the same time, it kind of amazes me, that I’ve chosen to write in English! Why? When it’s so much quicker and easier to write in Swedish? Okay! There are more than one answer, to that question. But the bottom line is, that I’m actually good at writing! In my own language, that is. In Swedish! I have a large vocabulary, I’m really good at spelling, and I know my grammar. I know so much grammar, that I also can bend the rules if I want to. And make the text understandable and “right”!

I’m also good with “showing not telling”, and dialogues. I can make people feel “like they are there” when they read. And I would be hugely ashamed of myself if I had to use Grammarly when writing in Swedish – if there is a Grammarly for Swedish texts, that is…

Writing in English is quite different. It’s not only on commas, that Grammarly and I have different opinions…

Despite all this in my back pocket – 

I can’t reach my imagination, and my brain is still not sufficiently cooperative when it comes to focusing on words! I feel numb!
I’ve been pondering to continue writing on some of my old drafts, I have a couple of quite good ones to chose from. The thought has felt quite appealing, actually. But so far nothing has gotten beyond that thought. 😦

Talk about being frustrated!

And writing in English! – It takes at least twice the time to write something. So blurting out all these words must be extraordinary, and how many hours has this taken me? I have absolutely no idea!

It must be hope somewhere, mustn’t it?

(Also when writing in Swedish I’m very particular,
but at least I used to land it faulty-free there and then.)

 

 

22 thoughts on “I feel….

  1. writing is like life: there’re ups and downs, just as you described… Actually thanks for share, because I (honestly) thought you are a vegan/vegetarian blog-post-writer. I MEAN I THOUGHT you are writing mostly about the food/health.
    Same here: ideas (or dialogues) are popping up in my head, and then later at home I’m forgetting them. That’s why I learned to write it down (at least shortly) in my Remembary app (diary). So later I’d go thru and see what I wrote…

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    • Haha! I’ve many interests, one of them is food/health/nutrition. Have had food blogs.. been there, done that, don’t wish to write solely about f/h/n, 😀 But some! Occasionally!

      I wish to write more about writing, books, reading, movies and such. And I WISH to write short stories, novels et cetera. I also WISH to write about things that matter.
      For example, apropos Vegan. Pros and cons with veganism, how the cows are treated, the “meat-fabrics” now a days. Monsanto, Cowspiracy…..

      I would love to write about spirituality, religion, history, what I learn in the documentaries I watch… and so on…

      I want to be more alive again! Not being tired and in pain and be stiff as a board almost all the time. That’s partly why I tried eating vegan, to find out whether that had an answer for me. But guess – no. Supposedly it’s the old stress still affecting me; and also me focusing too much to be healthy, instead of just BE healthy and strong. You get me?

      The “evil” thing is: I can very well remember what I was thinking about, but still this black mountain arises. But maybe it could after all help if I start to write down those ideas.

      If I only can get my ass out of the sofa…

      But comparing to – let’s say – only a year ago, I’m way more vigorous.

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      • One thing at a time, maybe you should take small steps. You are already making them by writing blog posts. I’ve started my blog in December 2016 and then dropped it in April 2017 and I didn’t write or post (at all!) for almost 8 months. But then I got back again…
        Maybe you should do something different every day (or let’s say, week)… it is helping me.
        Plus what about writing something totally different, or maybe for people – share the idea?
        Black mountain sounds very melancholic to me. And I love melancholic writing…that’s why I never writing it 😂
        Also I have to say – winter is very depressing and long here…sigh
        Sofa is where our ass (ass of the writers and bloggers) belong 😂😂

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      • Yeah! I know! Baby steps. Yet sometimes I’m just so tired of it all. It’s been three years now since I could leave Fas3 behind me. Thought I’d be fit for fight in a jiffy. I should do this and I should do that.
        HA HA! Little did I know!

        But I shan’t complain! After all – I’m pretty good now anyway. Just havn’t started to write fiction yet! Longing for it, though I’m loosing my patience a bit.

        In a way it is an interesting experience how body and mind work together under these circumstances. First the pressure, then the freedom pressure, then the healing,
        It’s thrilling how much one learns about oneself. Not only those particular years, but also what have occurred in life long before that.

        Black mountains. Yes. But without the blackness you can’t see the light.

        Yeah! You’re right! Make something new! Everyday? Every week? Force oneself a little bit.

        I actually deleted a couple of apps from my Mac after my last reply to you. Solitaires and jigsaw puzzle and a couple more I didn’t actually use. I’ll do the same on the iPad. Just keep the puzzle. Those take to much time, and each time I feel a little bit restless, I open one of those.

        I’ll force myself (gently) to open iBooks instead, and read my recent book there a little more often. It’s “The vampire Lestat” by Anne Rice, and I like it a lot. She’s an excellent writer, I think!

        It’s bad habits too, you know, when keeping on doing things that actually only steal time.
        So this is a first step! (No, not the very first step).
        Thank you, Ray ( 😉 ) for the talk and the pep. I put it in my heart and mind.

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      • About apps that you deleted…I think its a good thing. I actually re-organized my laptop/phone/tablet because I want to stay focused on 1. fun and 2. what I see as important – and right now for me it’s writing…
        So I see it as a good step 🙂
        About reading. I don’t know. Sometimes I don’t read for weeks (or months lol) – and I don’t want too. But I force myself, mostly because of the blog. I’m very inspired by all people who are reading and writing alllllllll the time. What an energy! right? Of course, breaks and rest are necessity…
        I never read Anne Rice, but I’ll google haha
        Cool to talk. Sorry I sometimes can’t answer at once. life 😂😂😂🤪

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      • It feels good deleting those apps! I’ve kept a couple on the Mac for the time being, taking one step at a time.

        I’ve begun to organize all my photos, Deleting a lot. Removing a lot from Photos to a map on an external hard-drive. Will take some time, but feels good to at least have begun doing it.
        Reading! I’ve lived so many years with a book in my hand, so I really want to be able to read more again. And I think reading can give inspiration and lust to write. An you learn to write, by reading. Good books teaches hove to write well, and lousy books teaches how NOT to write. HAHA! 😀
        Breaks and rests! A MUST!
        Think so too! Cool to talk! I too can’t always answer at once. :D:D:D:D

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      • Talking about photos – this is great move. I have to organize them as well (I’m trying) but each weeks comes more…more & MORE 😂😂
        Reading is inspiring, true. What is the first shelf of your choice in book store?

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      • So true!!! Comes more and more and MORE! Not one at a time, but TEN! Or MORE!
        Look-a-likes.
        Why are we doing this to ourselves? I can’t even guess how many cat-photos I took in just three weeks!!!

        Book choice!
        Hard to say. Depending on the mood. Can be almost anything.
        Sometimes spirituality, religion (history) or some kind of science. Other times perhaps Stephen King-type. (But I already have all his books.) I like fantasy though. And science fiction. Example Stephen King, his long fantasy about the Dark Tower.
        Shirley Jackson is an excellent horror-writer!
        But I’d never buy/borrow/read a “Barbara Cartland” romance – slippery – prudent. Typ!
        I think I know what you would answer to that question. 😉

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      • I don’t know, we are addicted to take pictures of our surroundings lol our brain chemicals are changing 😱😂 but cats & dogs should thank us 🙂
        Good choices of the book. I don’t read horror often but I’m usually reading anything I think/find interesting (or new). I seldom read twice the same author. Simply bcz they r usually writing in the similar genre aaallll time & texts of the same type

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      • I can very well read several books by the same author. If I like the style. Have during the years had many favorite-authors! But that changes as I changes!
        I think S King has been with me the longest even though I don’t like everything he has written.
        Have you read “A Confederacy of Dunces” by John Kennedy Toole? It’s hilarious!
        I could almost believe it would be British humor – but it isn’t.

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      • Nope. But I heard the name of the author – Toole. But if it is hilarious I have to buy it, for sure…
        the thing is I didn’t read much comercial fiction until 2012. I always read only classics lol 😂
        First because of studying- then job – then simply because that’s what I knew 🙂
        Later on I started to read crime books bcz it’s relaxing (for the beach, I traveled a lot)…

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      • I know you can find it on iBooks. At least that’s where I bought the english version. But I also have it as a pocket, in swedish translation. 😁

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    • P.S. I also want to comment more on other peoples blogs. But also there the black mountain hinders me.

      I wonder what that mountain actually is? I don’t want to be a Sisyfos!

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      • it was a cool allegory 🙂 what about Janesh Vaidya? I’m running his program each day almost 1 year. Very helpful. Also I’d advice Maya Tiwari -“The Path Of Practice: A woman’s book of Ayurvedic healing”. They are 2 my biggest inspirations. Don’t know what I’d do with my mountain without those two guys ..😂😉✌️

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      • At first I didn’t get it! Allegory? Then – I got it! 😀
        Well! Maybe one could sneak around the mountain instead of climb over it!!!

        Ayur Veda! I know that! Have studied it a bit. Many years ago. Very interesting, and very true. Maybe the best health “therapy” there is? Since it consider so much about a person, that those other “diet options” haven’t got a clue about.
        I’m Vata Pitha, by the way .

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      • Sneaking is something I could help with haha love this idea 👍😁
        I’m also Vata Pitha. I’m eating mostly Ayurvedic and I’m doing Janesh Vaidya program (stretching-yoga every day, there’re many different in his book). I also have all his books and cook his recipes. Haha #diehardfan

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      • At the sneaking point… HAHAHA!
        I can’t say I put an effort in eating Ayurvedic. But I really need warm food on regular basis.
        I have never heard of this Janesh Vaida! But you are getting me curious! I’ll check it out! Youtube as well???

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      • I believe in cooking from scratch (still I’m eating lots of cakes & Semla lol #fika aaalllll time). Difficult to follow strict rules in the winter 🙂
        Janesh Vaidya has been giving “lectures” & work shops in Sweden even (he had a tour in 2018).

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