Silly as it may seem, I got an AHA-moment about that.
Oh! Maybe not so silly after all!
Anyone can blame anything, for not doing something.
“I can’t do that because I am… too fat… too old…too ugly… have ADHD… don’t have time… he/she won’t let me… it’s too cold… it’s too warm…”
One can finish those “can not because” with anything at all, that may stop someone from doing something. Even what he or she down deep actually wants to do. (That’s something, eey?)
I think it’s due to some kind of fear. Fear of pain. Afraid of making a fool of oneself. Possible failure. Low self-esteem. (You go on here…)
And yes, of course. Out of mere laziness.
“I don’t feel like doing this. You do it for me. Or not. I don’t care.”
We can’t rule mere laziness out. Nor overly spoiled brats…
Of course, there are things that are impossible!
A person with lots of pain in the legs/hip/feet can naturally not go for a long walk. But on the other hand… this person… how did he or she get this pain? By an accident? Like a car-hit or something?
By something smaller that he or she nurtured with an increasing amount of medicament from the doctor, feeling sorry for him- herself, being afraid of actually even try to use the legs. TO WALK!
There we have the fear again! And I won’t speculate about deeper psychological issues here and now.
It seems to be common,
to avoid something
out of fear of failure.
But also – because of fear
of a possible success.
Perhaps not writing that novel
because it never will be good enough?
Perhaps not writing that novel because it might be a success. What then?
Could one ever write another?
Why do I keep telling myself I can’t write because I don’t get any ideas, that my fantasy is cloaked up somewhere? Why don’t I even try to write something? At least a short story?
Why don’t I even try!!!
I know I CAN write. I HAVE fantasy somewhere inside. It’s just temporarily hidden. I probably hid it myself! I have been there! I’ve done it before! Written novels and short stories, and lots and lots of drafts…
I began to think a little bit extra about this yesterday during a conversation I had with Ray (NB). I don’t think she had the attempt to give me a pep talk, at least not at first. But after a while, I felt that was just what I got! So – first of all – I want to thank you SOOO MUCH for your comments, Ray, and how these helped me feel!
It was like a gentle, but no less, a kick in the ass that rumbled about all the way up to my brain.
It spoke to me! It said:
“You’re avoiding to even try to do the things you want to do the most. You’re telling yourself you don’t get any ideas, that the fantasy has shut down itself! You think you are too tired, too much in pain, have too much stiffness in the muscles… IS THAT REALLY TRUE?”
“What are you avoiding”, the feeling continued. “What are you afraid of? The failure or the success? And do you really, really believe, that some stiffness in your muscles should hinder you from sitting in a chair writing??? You’re sitting in your chair or on the sofa watching Youtube! What’s the difference? The sitting or the sitting?
Are you so stupid that you actually think that – and believe it???”
Since I at that point had begun to feel some kind of easiness both in my brain and my body, I had to agree. I was avoiding things, and not only writing. Exactly what and why was at the moment of little concern. What was important, was that I realized I was doing it.
What was I doing instead? When coming to think of that, not much really. I have some duties, family and friends, and a lot of cultural offerings of museums, parks etc, which I can visit whenever I like.
Except now – due to the weather and my habit of biking everywhere I go.
Aside from that, I realized I do mostly very shallow things. I could have written the first draft of something after my move in here, but instead, I’ve been watching movies and series, been coloring on an app on my iPad, spent lots of time with some solitaire, or jigsaw puzzle or Mahjong or Sudoku… (name it. I tried it…)
Not bad, per se, it can be very relaxing and a solitaire can often help me be attentive enough to listen to something. Like a documentary or some of those channelers I like to listen to. But it has taken up a lot of time, and I more and more have become addicted to it. Nothing in my hands? Lay a solitaire! Even when I eat AND watching a movie…
Mornings I spend too long in bed, with the iPad, playing with one or another of those apps. (Just one more time!) Also in the evening. It has to stop!!!
So yesterday evening I deleted all those games except the puzzle from my iPad, and this morning I got up one hour earlier than I normally have done. Instagram only couldn’t keep me in bed any longer.
That felt weird, but good.
Law of Attraction says: “What you focus on, grows!”
For way too long I’ve been focusing on the stiffness and the pain, on the food I eat, on the walking/biking/training. I’ve focused on it as in; “I do it for the purpose to be healthy!” Be, as in “become”.
Instead, I should focus on “I am healthy!” Think so and believe it! Feel it!
Under the pain and stiffness and fatigue, there’s nothing wrong with me! Okay! I’ve had that stress in me, and suffered from a burn-out, and been sitting way too much (and often badly) – but should I really let that keep on haunting me? Forever???
So – advice to me:
STOP feeling guilty if I don’t eat the “perfect” food, if I don’t exercise enough, or if I – HEY!!! – fail in thinking the right thoughts all the time!
Instead! Enjoy being me! Do what I like when I like to do it! Eat chocolate! Spend a day or two on the sofa. Eat chicken filet with french fries at Ikea – without bad conscious afterward! Why not take a tour on one of the ferries, to and fro Denmark? (When the weather… etc…)
And Oh YES! Watch a movie or two, or some episodes from some TV-series, and enjoy it! Don’t feel guilty for spending time…
- Focus on what I want to do now and for the rest of my life!
- Get the habit of spending time writing, daily – whatever comes out of it, doesn’t matter! Write a daily journal for goodness sake!!! The rest will come when the time is due!
- Read more! I love to read, have always! But now – advice to myself – keep on reading at least one more page when this sense of restlessness creeps up on me.
- Ignore the restlessness!
I see you, Restlessness! I acknowledge you! I thank you for all these years I needed you, and which you helped me through. But now I have to let you go! I don’t need you anymore. It’s time to go on. Time to rise higher and meet new challenges and experiences. I am healed. I am good!