Trial and error! And then try again!

Monday, and time again for spending some time at the library. Painting time. On the whole, it’s nice. But today I was almost on my way to go back home again. Since it almost was about: “do as you’re told, ’cause that is how things should be done”!

For a while, I felt bored and a bit sad, but soon I got cheeky instead. Almost, but just almost, impertinent.

Last time, my first time in this group, I told the leader that I can’t draw. It’s nothing odd about that! I can’t put together a car engine either! Or speak Russian! It doesn’t say I can’t learn to do one or all of those things, but as it is now – I can’t.

Last time, I tried to copy an already existing painting of a lady in a big hat. It turned out to be an angry woman in purple. And it took me only about two hours to paint.

I got reprimanded for that. I did it to fast! I should work slower and more thoroughly!

For goodness sake, man! I’m an ADHD person! I can’t go slow and I can’t draw and I can’t do as you say just because you say it! That just isn’t in me!!! The slow thing, that is… (sometimes I can, it depends on what it is.) When creativity pops – IT POPS! AT ONCE! And when something is done and ready – it is!

TODAY!

I noticed I was a bit nervous and hesitant. I remembered the teacher’s comment, and after last Monday… well… I have to admit! I didn’t know what to draw and then paint. Yeah! I ADMIT! I was afraid of even put the pen to the paper! I knew I wasn’t able to do the sketching part! I know about painting! But my hands don’t!

I looked through my photos on the iPhone if there was something I could use. Nada!
He asked where my painting from last Monday was.
“At home.”
“Go and fetch it?”
I looked at him and felt a big question mark in my face.
“Go home and fetch it?” He said once more.
Now I understood. He wanted me to continue working on that one.
I shook my head.
“No! I can’t do anything more with that one!”

He came with some propositions.
Hastily he browsed a book with paintings in front of my nose.
You know… flip flip flip flip flip…

“Some flower perhaps?” He showed me an image of a cluttered bouquet in a clay pot.
I didn’t answer.
So a book with the softest, and most detailed aquarelle paintings. Maybe, could I…. ???

MY GOODNESS! Who do you think I am? A pale-painting Frida Khaloo??? I still can’t draw and at earlier trials with aquarelle, I totally screwed it up!

(I didn’t say that out loud.)

Then he showed me the photo of that woman with the big hat. The original actually looked like something that could have been painted by Degas. Except for that hat instead of ballet shoes and tutu.

I just looked at him.
“That’s the one I painted last week.”

“The flowers then?”
The clay pot showed up in front of my eyes once more.

Inside me, I drew a deep sigh. I could have done better with something by Picasso… even…

“Okaaaay!” I said.
Just to have at least something to start with.
And get him going somewhere else.

He went to the copy-machine and came back with a copy of the painting, and I found a pencil and paper. And acrylic paint, though there really is a shortage of color choices…
I got black, blue, ochre yellow, and white.

Then I just sat there…
With the pen in the hand…
His last words wobbling in my head…
“Now, take it easy. Work slowly and thoroughly…  ”

I felt like something down under.
And I don’t mean Australia.
Nor a kangaroo…

Did nothing but stared at the paper for a long, long time… glancing at the non-existing red, yellow, green etc acrylic colors, at the few possible brushes… stared at the empty paper…

stared…

felt…

heavyyyyy…

Moved the hand with the pencil, gently… gently… moved the tip over the paper surface… maybe…. almost… it could be… the pot… a thin line across the sheet…  some curves that perhaps and almost could be placeholders for leaves… for the flowers… gently… gently…

felt very heavy

wanted to go home

it wasn’t fun at all…
having to do what’s supposed to be the right way to do it when you can’t do it. (Gosh what a lot of nagging about “can’t”)

IT’S NOT MY WAY AND I STILL CAN’T DRAW OR SKETCH OR WHATEVER!!!

I didn’t want to go home either! I want these 2,5 painting hours every Monday, and I want them filled with fun! With companions! To feel inspired – like the last time… like when I DO my photos and PLAY with coloring images on the iPad… I want to lose myself in mindfulness and creativity…

NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS!

I like the women, I’ve begun to know! I want to be in this world, doing something I’ve longed for, for a long time. Not keep on sitting home alone! I want to have more friends, and here seem to be friends!

I decided to get the fuck out of the “proper” way. I lay the pencil aside, grabbed a rather thin brush due for acrylic colors, began to paint… and lost myself in good feelings.

In this case, I’d rather do it the “wrong way” and have fun and feel nurtured and satisfied, than trying to do it the “right” way – and feel awful about it. I’m going to work a little bit more on this one though…

The fun thing is, when the painting was done, I got several positive reactions. Even He said something positive – hm… what was it he said? It was kind of pale, compared with what the others said, but still…

I don’t like to call him a teacher, I can’t see he is teaching anyone anything. He’s there, he’s a really good painter himself, and undoubtedly he knows about painting! But he says “Hi”…  open the cupboard with the stuff… see too that we have something to do… and when we approaches the end of the hours, he looks at what we have done.

He is just a supervisor!!!

On the other hand – all the other woman are really good at what they do. I’m the only one who could use some tutoring. On the other hand – again – I’m clever enough to find out for myself. In theory, I already know quite a great deal about painting! And in reality! It’s just to keep on, trying, testing. What happens if I try this, if I do that? If I learn about brushes? When, where, how to use them and with which kind of colors?

Trial and errors! And then try again!

P.S.
Yes! I said something like this out loud: Since I can’t draw, I paint in my way, ’cause that way makes me happy!

Just thought I should warn you…

I’m pondering to change that tiny little image at the side of the blog name. The gravatar, isn’t it?

Oh! I’m still an angel!
Just thought I’m the lady in purple as well…

 

BUT! I’m not in the least angry!
It’s just a too heavy make up.

 

First I’ll have to crop it square.

Then it’ll appear in a puny circle.

But you knew that already, didn’t you?

There has to be a nave…

The main character in the novel “A Confederacy of Dunces” is a horrible person! Ignatius Reilly is mean, egoistic, egocentric, lazy, bullying, scornful, harasser, overeating, fat – which per se isn’t a crime, but in this case, well contributes to the general picture of this… person. Though he also in some ways seems to be very intelligent – seen from another perspective… he’s just plain stupid.

It is a very humorous novel! No doubt about that! When I first read it, several years ago, I thought it was really funny. It’s also very well-written, and the story builds up – over and over again – until it just bursts.

Now, when rereading this book, I can’t as easily find the humor in it. There are still his mother and other people around him, that are both nice and doing their best and for certain, JKT has described them and their whereabouts so, that I really burst out in laughter. And the way JKT has built this story, caught all of the characters with there own personalities, and so on! It’s splendid!

It’s just that I now see more of the ill-nature in Ignatius – which he himself for certain isn’t aware of –  and it makes me… well… maybe not want to read on?

I can see why this is considered very humorous, and getting the Pulitzer price and all. I can also see that Ignatius isn’t actually mean. He isn’t violent! He wouldn’t hurt anyone, and absolutely not physically. He’s just so IRRITATING!

And I just realized this has been on stage! (When? Where?)
And as movie! ? Gotta find out…


There is another main character that has about the same qualities. Hyacinth Bucket, pronounced Bouquet, in the TV-series from the nineties, “Keeping up appearances”. I don’t know about her intelligence, Ignatius wins that competition, but she is also egoistic egocentric, conniving, bullying. Like Ignatius, she isn’t actually mean, but people try to avoid her as much as they can, and many feel so sorry for her husband, Richard.

The neighbor Emmet, who is a musician and puts up musical events in the church, hides indoors not to be seen, and cries: She sings at me!!! Just to mention one of thousands of events. The best and funniest in this series are, in my opinion, the people around Hyacinth. Her sisters: Rose, Daisy and her husband Onslow, and Violet “She’s the one with the Mercedes, sauna and room for a pony”. It’s Emmet and his sister Elizabeth, The Vicar and his wife, churchgoing people, neighbors. And those they encounter during the way!

I think the series is funny, but I prefer speeding up the parts with Hyacinth, and instead enjoy the others more. Also “Confederacy with Dunces is funny – but also there, I jump over some of the parts with Ignatius, but enjoy the others more.

Both of them, are like a nave in a wheel. They make the events spin around them, the fun parts are in the wheel! Are the wheel!

But since there can’t be any spinning wheel without a nave, there can also not be any fun story without an Ignatius or a Hyacinth. Maybe just because we in a way, (at least in these cases) dislike them?

Wouldn’t want one of those personalities nearby, though. Just in a book or on a screen…

And so it is

Caught a cold again…

Awoke Tuesday morning with a sore throat. On the spot a week after the last cold had left me. That one had a lot of muscle pain, and stomach trouble and icky fatigue to and fro, and just enough snottiness to tell me it probably was due to some kind of cold virus. This one feels different, more like a real cold with a heavy head, runny nose and all. Don’t want to do anything during the daytime but stay on the sofa.

Last time I had a more severe and long-lasting cold, was exactly three years ago. So after this, I’ll stay clear from any cold at all, for the next couple of years, shan’t I?

I put this upon myself, in a way. Like a month ago, when beginning to feel a bit off, I begged out in the blue that if it was necessary for me to catch a cold, please let me suffer from it in a period I don’t have the duty to drive my grandson!

This week he is on vacation at some skiing resort in France or somewhere. At least the name of the place, which I forgot as soon as he had mentioned it, sounded french. I could be Switzerland as well.

During the previous cold-period. I was lucky. The circumstances made it that I only had to drive him a few afternoons, and the rest of the time I could spend on my sofa.

I’m not sure I could have driven him this week, my head feels twice the normal size and when doing something, I just want to get back to the bed or the sofa. I can’t even imagine myself going out with the garbage

So I guess one gets what one asks for.

I also guess it was necessary. Boosting the immune system. After the first cold I felt better and stronger than I had done before those weeks, so when this cold is over I’ll for certain feel over the top strong and healthy!

And that’s about time…

Apropos painting

Never say: I can’t!
Maybe it was true when you were five, or maybe ten years ago. Maybe it was true even yesterday, or an hour ago. Does that mean it will be true tomorrow or for the rest of your life? No!

I can’t draw and I can’t paint. That’s something I’ve said to myself for as long as I can remember. And one fact is, that my hands never have obeyed what my mind has ordered them to do.

Of course, I’ve been drawing now and then during my life. In school, when I was very young, we actually had lessons in drawing. At that time, it was obviously important to have artistic and creative skills on the menu. Not only drawing. We also had music, both singing and learning some instrument. I’ve gone through the flute, a small wooden one, mandolin, guitar and then ended up with a piano for several years.

I was never any good in drawing, and I can just wonder – was this due to an actual lack of talent, or did I as a little one get so much negative critic that I started to believe it myself?

I don’t know! It may be one or the other, or a mix of both. On the other hand, it seemed that I already at a very early age had some flair for words. Learned early how to read, and not too long afterward I also started to write.

What I do remember is, that I, as a young girl for several years during school, had a best friend who was very skilled in drawing. So her skills in drawing and mine in writing naturally led to us making “books”. We made up some kind of stories, I wrote them down, and she made the illustrations.

Fair and square…

So it may be true, that my skills are painting with words, not with paint. However, I’ve realized I do have an “eye” for images, so in my head, there is some kind of talent for painting after all. It’s just that there is not much of a connection between my mind and how my hands respond to what my mind imagines.

Does that mean I could never learn to paint at all? Never say never! I told you that when I began this post. But there is a second question as well! Do I really, really want to be able to paint – and do it well?

Of course, I can already put paint on a piece of paper or on canvas! That’s not the hard part, per se! But can I do it and at least to myself feel content with the result? Fairly content?

First of all: I think one can learn almost anything one sets one’s mind to learn. I also know, I can hardly be a new Rembrandt or Gauguin or like any of the big painters. But that isn’t my goal anyway! I would like to paint just for the fun of it, and feel good about doing it!

When aiming for some kind of creativity to pursue, my main goal is and has always been, to write.

My first attempt to paint with watercolors, as a grown-up, was in spring 2014. I was in one of those “unemployeds-activities” we had to undertake, and one of the women in my group there, was also a painter. She offered us a couple of lessons in “how to paint aquarelle”!

I thought it sounded interesting, joined the group and it was really fun. But, as a matter of fact – it was also extremely difficult! It was a little bit easier after I had quit the floating water part, and instead used the color as it was. Creamy.

Those two paintings I made then and there, I later throw away. They were just too bad!

A year ago it was time for a new painting experiment. At that time I was back here in my hometown, had reconnected to some old friends and got some new ones. In one of my groups of new friends, we had the possibility to do different stuff, like, for example, paint! I tried acrylic colors on a small canvas.

Not a particularly beautiful result, but it was easier to do than to paint with  watercolors, and I thought it was very fun doing it. Kind of satisfying!

About 6 months later, autumn 2018, with the same people and in the same place, I tried the water color again. There were no acrylic paint left…
Also this time I had absolutely no idea what I would make of it, but apart from the huge “A-tower” – which I have absolutely no idea why I painted it or why I even got the idea. But! Besides that, it turned out fairly good. Not GOOD, just fairly. From some distance, it is quite okay! Especially the see and the boat.

And was fun to do too! (to-do-too…)

The small one, I made last week. The canvas only 15 x 15 cm, and I was trying to paint a mandala. On free-hand…. HAHAHAHAHAHA

When making the photo of that one smaller in pixlr, I also found a frame I thought was fun, and added it…

 

I’m inclined to say, that those lessons in painting with watercolor in 2014, did something to me. I had friends who was painters in the other city, went to their exhibitions, talked to them, enjoyed their company. For about three years I’ve had three rather big canvases lying around together with acrylic colors, wax crayons, colorpens, glitterglue… without using them. Don’t laugh at me now! I have two small easels. One I use for my iPad… HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I have always liked to visit museums and exhibitions showing photos and paintings, so the concept per se wasn’t new to me. I had also since sometime around 2007 become more and more into making blog appearances and home pages. Mostly I enjoyed doing the layouts, with colors, fonts, images etc. I got nervous over the technical stuff behind it all…

And now! Since at least five or six years ago, I’ve been doing more and more experimenting with photos and other kinds of images on the computer and on the iPad especially. Also, the curiosity and appetite on painting with real paint on paper/canvas has grown stronger. PLUS the longing for new things in my life, meeting new friends and adding good things on the whole.

It’s a special treat to be doing stuff in the neighborhood. The local library has a lot going on, and the people you meet there, most of them, live nearby. On the same street, or the next one!
And I have lived in this neighborhood before, for quite many years, so I know where this is or that is! After been living 11 years in another city where you have no family and no roots, and then coming back to where you belong… it’s like coming to heaven!

So today I took the next step. In the afternoon I went to the nearby library, and attended a group of painting-people! And every Monday from now on, from 4 PM to 6.30 PM, I’ll gather together with these wonderful people. Yeah! I really had such a  good time today and I so look forward to next Monday.

The result, considering painting? Well, yes! Not good, but it felt good!

By the way! I REFUSE to feel bad about these awkward paintings! I know they’re aren’t beautiful, but I’ve had fun painting them – they are mine, and they are born through my stubborn, uncooperative hands.

 

So this is today’s “work”. The “teacher” insinuated I worked too fast, I should have used at least 3 Mondays á 2,5 hours to create an image this size (A3). Well, maybe I AM a speedy person when creating something? Or not! Maybe I have to learn how to draw? If that’s even possible…

Anyhow! I think this lady looks so angry! I didn’t mean her to be this angry. Then I thought, this is some subconscious part of me. Imaging some, to the conscious me, unknown anger. I wonder what? And if so, how I can free it, release it, let it go?

Now, when looking at the photo of the painting, it’s like there is another face beneath the woman’s face. Not under the chin or so, more like it’s inside her! If you focus on the nose, you can see it. Her mouth is covered by the womans big red lips like a sticking plaster. And the eyes! Like if one is closed and the other one slightly dimmed, and almost – but not yet – covered by the womans big angry, filled with despair…

Or is she breaking free?  Is THAT why the angry women is so askew? And not really angry? Just falling apart. No wonder there is pain involved…

AND! I CAN! In my own way…

 

Oh! My! God!

This new blank page, totally empty – and demanding – it’s scary like hell…

“Now, now! Be strong, Thêa! You know you can do it!”

“I know… but… still scared…”

“See it for what it is, an old, untrue belief, then put it away.
Say: I’m good at this! I can do it!”

“Okay!
I’m good at this!
I can do it!
I’m good at this!
I can do it!
I’m good at this!
I can do it!
I can!”

Saturday morning


When the sun is beaming
and the trees ain’t dancing
in the wind
I can’t stop myself
from leaving home
and walk in the woods

Like a blindfolded fool

Like a blindfolded fool,
you don’t see what is obvious,
right in front of your eyes.

Then you get a bit surprised,
when you see you actually had
acted cleverly,
and dated the last writing session.

(chapter seven)