After the dates

On Friday I’ll take the train to my daughter’s for a couple of days. That leaves today and tomorrow to write the remaining 6.665 words to the NaNoWriMo. I don’t think I’ll do that.

I don’t say it’s impossible! I wrote almost 3.400 words two days in a row just recently. But I won’t do that now. Now it’s already evening, and tomorrow it’s Thursday and I have some things I want to do. Anyway, there are days left after my visit there, almost a week, so I’m not actually in a hurry. It would have felt good, though, to keep a straight line of writing every day, since that was what I aimed for the most.

Have actually changed my mind about not taking the MacBook with me. I will! But not sitting writing for hours. But for a while, I probably could, and then update the NaNo-results the up-coming days at least a little.

Everyday-writing was the keyword.

Yesterday it was easier to write again. When I realized that what I had done, was having finished part one of the story. Therefore I unconsciously and automatically had stopped for a pause. Thus, it was much easier to continue the story from there, with Part two. So I did.

Now I simply await my Muse – still Albert, you know – to show up and push me further on the writing road.
”Don’t begin without me,” he usually says. ”You know I’m the one that actually carries this story.”
I do some eye-rolling and head-shaking behind his back but say nothing.
”Oh, I noticed that!” he says, turns around quickly and waves his index finger in front of my face. I look at his finger and go cross-eyed.
”Don’t do that!” I say.
”Then don’t get nasty with me!”
”I don’t.”
He glowers at me, snorts, turns around and inspects my coffee table. Immediately he finds my blue china bowl with dates and starts chewing on them. One after the other.
”Hm. Good stuff. What is it?”
”Dates,” I say and sigh. ”Aren’t we gonna start writing soon?”
”Just a sec,” he says and grabs the last one.

What have I done to deserve him?

The header image: I had in mind to use an image of my daughter’s cat, a Devon Rex – the cutest ever, who I’ll cuddle this weekend.
Then I accidentally saw the ginger one at Pixabay, and couldn’t resist.

But here is Hopi as well.

Writer’s block? Or not?

I might repeat myself a bit here. Or maybe I just need to let go of something. But… For a couple of days now, it has been really hard to write. And I have no idea, how I have managed to write as much as I have, for NaNoWroMo. Yesterday I was saved by the bell when I found some notes I had done earlier, which made me get going. But I had rather not written at all.

During the day I had been cleaning my apartment, and also moved my sofa to another spot in the room. Well! HA! ”Spot” and ”Moved”, are not exactly the right words for that. Area and Dragged, are better. The sofa is big and heavy.

As the evening got closer, I was watching ”Gotham” on Netflix, and at the same time, I was knitting a pair of mittens for my daughter. I’m going there for the upcoming weekend, and I want them to be finished so I can give them to her, along with a scarf and a cap, all of them knitted in the same yarn, warm and wholly. I also had in mind to knit a cap for the grandson. I finished the mittens and began with the cap, so now I just hope I’ll finish that one as well on Thursday at the latest.

What all this bla-bla is the replacement for, is a confession that I at that time, had forgotten all about writing! Then suddenly I realized it was already 8 PM, and OOOPS! I have to write at least something! Please! At least a couple of hundred words!

My mind was blank. Totally empty and black. I stared at Scrivener’s pale yellow background. It stared back at me. Nothing here. Nothing there. Nothing anywhere. I sought it here. I sought it there. I sought it everywhere. Oh, that elusive Pimpernel…

No, I didn’t! Seek everywhere. But I looked among those notes and mini-drafts I have in a file. It helped! I wrote! But probably the lousiest text I have ever written. Don’t think I can keep any of it.
But I wrote!

No! I didn’t. I heaped loads of words upon each other! That’s what I did! And I don’t even have a clue what I’ve written! So to speak.

Adding words to words that way isn’t my normal way of writing. As long as it goes, it might go very well. After all, in total, I have written a lot of good stuff as well. But now when I begin to feel stressed about having to perform, to achieve, to produce! To add a lot of words just to get a huge amount of words during a fixed timeline – it’s about becoming a disaster! At least if I had wanted to create a draft to a novel.

Before the Burn-out, I wrote a lot. I wrote daily. But I never felt the need to perform a certain amount of words every day. I don’t complain now, it’s just facts! And I knew what I signed up for. 50.000 words in 30 days.

Why I did it? I have said it before – I wanted to train myself to write daily, again. To write a lot, again. And I didn’t commit to writing a draft to a novel, not necessarily. So also blogposts count, here and on my Swedish blog. Mails can be counted in, I just don’t write many mails. Text messages can be counted in if I consider it writing and not just a short something to someone. And of course personal dairy notes, which can be quite wordy.

Looking upon it that way, I have done very well. Beyond 40.000 words now (yesterday) for the NaNoWriMo. And for myself.

So why am I complaining about this! Because I realize I am! Do I have any actual reason to complain? Actually – no. In the beginning, I had no idea for a fantasy novel. I thought I wouldn’t write any fiction at all! And yet – I have written quite a lot, to later be included in a Fantasy Novel. Almost two-thirds of those 40.000+ words are scenes to be incorporated.

And the funny thing is – odd-funny not haha-funny – I realize I’m building a world, where all my fantasy writings and its characters this year can be gathered together. Not necessarily that all those people are going to meet, to connect, or counteract – but they live in the same world.

Thinking about it like that, I don’t have to feel miserable just because I cannot write for a couple of days – and still, I write!
I just need a day off, or two. Or to allow me to sometimes just write one puny scene. Maybe only 758 words or so.

What this NaNoWriMo has shown me so far, is that I’m capable of so much more. Who on earth thought I would write 3283 words in just a few hours! I didn’t. But! I can! I’m able to write even a lot more than that.

I just have to let go of that behavior to stress myself into any oveer achievement. Instead, keep the joy of creating a story, and don’t think the world will fall apart if there is a day once in a while when I rather want to read a book, watch a movie, knit a cardigan, sit in the sunshine a lovely day in May, bike to the sea-side – or do anything else but write.

I just have to make sure, most of my days are writing days.

I’ll be away from home for a couple of days only. I thought I’ll bring my laptop, but I will hardly be sitting for hours to write when I visit my daughter and her family. That would not only be rude. It would be awful to waste precious time with those I love, not totally being with them.

Maybe I should leave the laptop at home, after all. It weighs more than the iPad, and I’ll go by train. And will only be gone for four days.

Keeping the sunshine within

Not much writing today. On the story, that is. A lot of other writings though, a mail, several iMesseges, notes. Hung on the phone talking to my daughter as well. For quite a long time.

I had no idea anyway, what to add to the story. Later I wrote a short scene, most of it a dialogue. A sad dialogue. Someone is crying, and the other one is comforting, by just being there.

But I am not sad. I’ve arranged with my youngest daughter to visit her and her family next weekend. We were texting about trains, when to leave, when to arrive. Then we talked on the phone as well.

And then I was trying to do everything the right way when booking the ticket and paying for it. It went well, and I’m really looking forward to see them again.

Hopefully, the weather will be okay. I chose a train that will give me 1,5 hours to spend in the southest situated city in Sweden. On November 22nd, the weather can be almost any way. Cold, or not so cold. Wintery, or not. The sun might shine, or not. But I’ll guess it will be cloudy, maybe even raining. So we have to have the sunshine within us instead. And that’s okay! That’s more than okay!

I intend to visit the bookstore. Been there before, loved it, and I really do hope it’s still there. Been an awfully long time since the last time I actually visited this city, not just driving through it as I have done when visiting my family earlier. But now I’ll go by train, and she will pick me up in her car, and drive the 20 kilometers home to their house.

Her son, my youngest grandson, will turn six in February. Soon a big boy, a schoolboy. His name is Leonard, called Leo. What a name, eh? He’s cute and wild and have a great personality.

I’m so looking forward to visiting them all.

Gray Monday

Gray day, dull day. I went to the Gym sometime after breakfast, had in mind to bike a bit extra afterward, but it was too cold, too windy. Not fun at all.

Then nothing seemed to happen! I didn’t do much and the day went by! Okay! Sometimes you need a day like this, and tomorrow I have activities all afternoon. And I did write, despite the lazybones. Though it was a bit hard to begin with.

Now it seems to be raining as well. At least there is some occasional pitter-patter on the windows, but it is pitch black outside and I, sitting a bit away from the window with not yet drawn curtains, can’t see a thing out there.

Yes! Tomorrow! A short visit to the Second-Hand after lunch and before the Knitting-café. And later the Dream-circle. It sounds odd and wrong, written in English like that. Dream-circle. We are a couple of women who meet for a while, talking about dreams, life, philosophy, and whatever topic arises. It will be the last time tomorrow, the eighth time me meet, and I will miss it when it’s over. Hopefully, there will be another gathering like this during the spring semester.

Then I’ll have to write only in the evening tomorrow. Wonder if I’ll reach 1.667 words then.  But! Let’s go for it! 1.667 it is!!! Tomorrow!

Today I only reached 1.714 words, but that’s enough. It’s quite alright. It has been a gray, dull day.

Guess what I did today!

Of course, you can’t. How could anyone that wasn’t accompanying me? So, that question was just a clever (?) headline. And now I’ll tell you. It wasn’t adventurous. It wasn’t odd, and neither it was dangerous. On the contrary. It was a very good thing to do.

Couldn’t help myself from adding some colour on my own old photo.

I signed up to the gym again!

A hard thing when something is stressful, is when it also has elements of good stuff mixed in.

All that time that I drove my grandson to and fro his work, it was really nice to be able to be with him, to talk with him. We reconnected in a really good way, after my years elsewhere, working in another city. And I also had a car available quite a lot!

That's good stuff!

But the fact that he never seemed to be ready and get his drivers license, and the days just went on, grew to weeks and months and then two years and almost five months… until the somewhat hidden stress in me, broke out in this TIA, the mini-stroke.

On top of that, during all these afternoons and mornings, I had very little chance to meet friends and do my stuff! I felt more and more lonely… and tired… until I didn’t  even have the strength to do the few things I actually could have done.

So don’t say stress isn’t luring and devious! It lurks behind some good stuff, and how could I say no to my daughter and her eldest son! I had been away for eleven years, for goodness sake.

But then came the unexpected liberation, and after some not so pleasant weeks, I now feel awesome!

So now it was time for me to reach out further. To add gym-sessions to biking, walking and having good times with friends. Went over at the gym today, bought the membership and worked-out for a short while. Just to test how it would feel.

And it felt just great! 

I’m very lucky, and immensely grateful for everything!
Maybe I’ll even meet someone special soon?
Wouldn’t mind that at all.