Monday evening – and Ninny Rhino

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We have had terrible weather this weekend. Maybe I exaggerate a bit, but it has been some really fierce winds. Storm, when worst. Friday was at least sunny so the fact I had to go out on my bike, wasn’t that bad after all. Was lucky too, didn’t have the wind totally against me.

Saturday, on the contrary, offered not only storm gusts, but also rain. I stayed indoors the entire day.

I let the vacuum cleaner chase dust rats, I did the dishes – but mostly I was watching old episodes of Dr Who and doing solitaires on the iPad. Napping, of course. I do a lot of napping nowadays. Sunday, the weather had cleared up a bit, and I went for a short bike-ride. Only 8,3 kilometer. Bought bananas too…

I confess! I haven’t written a word since the last blog post! But I have continued to clean up among files and folders. It’s crazy how many copies, and copies of copies, there are on the hard drive. Still not finished that work, but slowly getting at least some order in the mess.

Today, I had an appointment with my physiotherapist before lunch, and late afternoon I paid a visit to the painting-study-group. At least I, could need a bit of proper “studying”.

On the other hand, I think painting is really fun to occupy myself with; but it is painting with words, that is my real vocation.

The colorful one

Despite the fact a 7-year-old can paint better than I, the colorful woman I did the last time, now has got a sister.
The “teacher” didn’t say much. Just asked if I had copied some image of a sort. “No”, I answered, and realized he had totally forgotten about my colorful other.

Then he left me, and I kept on struggling with painting lips.

The sister. A bit more… punky! Ey? I wonder why I painted those red thingies on both sides of her… ??? I mean – the thingies in her hair, are supposed to be there. But the other ones???

As I said – a 7-year-old could do this better, but…

I. Don’t. Care!!!

… a girl just got to have fun…

Apropos the Ninny Rhino! I’ve decided to extend my commitment for the entire March, not only 9 days. I know I haven’t actually written anything, but it makes me land in a writer-mood. I’ve began longing for writing something more than occasional blog posts.

There is this prompt for March month that Diana Wallace Peach at Myths of the Mirror has on her blog. And I’m really tempted to join in.

I feel….

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I feel so…
I feel…

I… don’t quite know how I feel, or what I feel.
A least I can’t put a label on it!

I’m not sad, not angry, not … not anything negative, really!

On the whole, I feel good. I like being back in my city, close to my daughters.
I love my apartment, really enjoy living here.

I don’t have many friends, but I love those I have.
I’m mostly alone, but enjoy that! Feel good when being in my solitude and silence.

So far, so good!
But still, there is something. I think the word frustrated is the most appropriate one.

I want so much to write and to read, as I used too.
Not too long ago I got new ideas all the time, and I wrote and I wrote! And I read books by the minute! All the time I had some book in my hands.

And now! Nothing comes to me!
No! Not quite true! Lately, I’ve begun getting ideas again. During the past few months only. Or even weeks. After the move?
Unfortunately neither due for a novel, nor a short story, nor anything like that. But something I could make into a blog post! I’m being out somewhere, and get some kind of monologue in my head. I feel happy about that.

Finally, finally, I can write again! Like I used to!

Then.
When home.
Sitting in front of my computer.
All is lost and all I can see is a huge black mountain which I can’t climb.
Even the threshold is too high for me to climb.
It is so frustrating.

Reading? Well, I do read some. There was a time, not that long ago, when I couldn’t concentrate on reading at all. Then slowly that ability awakened, but I’m still a long way from reading as I used to.

But I do blog, don’t I?
Yes! I do!
And I’m so happy about that enhancement in my writing life, but I can also see most of those posts are quite mediocre. I want to do better!
I can do better!

The best ones,though, are those I wrote during the first months of this blog’s existence. The ones about my Mom and the abuse. I just don’t need to write more about that topic. I’m in peace with Mom! Pity, in a way, but one can’t dwell in the past. It’s the now that counts.

So why do I still have a problem with writing?

In early 2006 I moved to a city some 80 km north from where I live now. Many times during the years thereafter, I wondered why on earth I made that move. Well! I was offered a job there, and there was also a Mr. Somebody whom I thought maybe could be Mr. Right. But both the Job and the Mr soon went down the drain. Picturesquely speaking.

But left, was this push I had got in my butt when the Mr had said:
“WRITE! You have it in you!”

Immediately I searched for writing classes, then I wrote and I studied, got writing friends and kept on like that until 2012. And as you probably understand already, this was NOT the first time I was writing anything literary. I done that to and fro ever since I learned to write. And I read books before that. Read all the time, everywhere, and my mother all the time told me not to. It wasn’t good for my eyes, she claimed!!!

I didn’t realize it just then, but I had during a couple of years developed a burn-out condition. What I had noticed, was that it had become difficult for me to come up with new stories for the classes, and even harder for me to read and then comment on my fellows writing-pieces. For a while, I cheated. From me, I chose old stories to bring instead of writing anything new; and I glanced a bit on the other guys’ texts and then commented something… very general…

But I realized after a couple of semesters this wasn’t reasonable. I didn’t write anything new, I didn’t learn anything new, and I didn’t contribute anything to my writing friends.

I gave up.

So when I say I wrote and worked in the classes with writing until Christmas 2012, it isn’t quite true. I tried to, wrote some, and actually one of my most beautiful short stories I wrote in 2012. But I felt like a failure. A very tired and lonely failure.

It took me a couple of years before I truly realized all this was due to stress. My brain, my mind, couldn’t take my present situation any longer and  – in a way – shut down parts of itself.

Well! I still functioned! I kept doing what I had to do to survive. No one to help me through my daily life, I had to go on. But I kept me more and more to myself since I had no energy left for doing anything else.

I don’t say all was black and sad and lonely and depressed. Oh no! First of all, all these m o m e n t s occurred in periods, and some periods were good! Many days were good! What helped me a lot, was when I discovered my ability to express myself in images, and in making posters and such. Lots of colors. My fantasy had a way to go, through editing photos, adding filters, playing with lensflares and such possibilities. I still do that sometimes, but way back then – mostly between late 2013 til late 2016 – it was kind of lifeline to me

And now! On my way…

Later I used to say, I could from 2012 and forward, very well have worked with proofreading and/or editing texts. My skills and my talent, which I have had all my life, and my knowledge and capability were still intact. What I had lost were the fantasy and the ability to concentrate. But that was frustrating enough!

Frustrating! Yes! Still!
But I’m grateful I now can write blog posts fairly frequently and fairly fluent – even in English. But my own opinion of how I write and even more about what I write – is that it is quite mediocre. I can be more interesting! I can do better! I want to do better!

A cat rescuing me!!! Some vegan thoughts!!!

At the same time, it kind of amazes me, that I’ve chosen to write in English! Why? When it’s so much quicker and easier to write in Swedish? Okay! There are more than one answer, to that question. But the bottom line is, that I’m actually good at writing! In my own language, that is. In Swedish! I have a large vocabulary, I’m really good at spelling, and I know my grammar. I know so much grammar, that I also can bend the rules if I want to. And make the text understandable and “right”!

I’m also good with “showing not telling”, and dialogues. I can make people feel “like they are there” when they read. And I would be hugely ashamed of myself if I had to use Grammarly when writing in Swedish – if there is a Grammarly for Swedish texts, that is…

Writing in English is quite different. It’s not only on commas, that Grammarly and I have different opinions…

Despite all this in my back pocket – 

I can’t reach my imagination, and my brain is still not sufficiently cooperative when it comes to focusing on words! I feel numb!
I’ve been pondering to continue writing on some of my old drafts, I have a couple of quite good ones to chose from. The thought has felt quite appealing, actually. But so far nothing has gotten beyond that thought. 😦

Talk about being frustrated!

And writing in English! – It takes at least twice the time to write something. So blurting out all these words must be extraordinary, and how many hours has this taken me? I have absolutely no idea!

It must be hope somewhere, mustn’t it?

(Also when writing in Swedish I’m very particular,
but at least I used to land it faulty-free there and then.)

 

 

What’s wrong with Kindle?

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Everything, I’m inclined to say. But of course, I should neither judge nor condemn so soon in my acquaintance with Kindle.
Well… if there will be any further acquaintance…

I was one of the lucky ones, who received a Kindle Book gift from Chris Hall on Luna’s online. At first, I was a bit reluctant. Since I don’t have Kindle myself, would it be possible for me to accept this gift?

I didn’t know much about Kindle, other than it is one way to read books online, on some kind of tablet. So, I couldn’t even say whether it is “only” an app or a device with some kind of software developed for book reading. I also knew it had something to do with Amazon, but I admit! My knowledge here was very limited. I’m a little bit wiser now. (With the emphasis on “a little bit”.)

Mainly, probably, since I’m devoted to Apple and therefore have one iPhone, one iPad and one Apple laptop, namely a MacBookPro.
And therefore – I also have iBooks (now called “Books”) including all the benefits of the iCloud function. I can read books on all devices, and jump from one device to another and there keep on reading – if I want to! And it costs me no extra. I could say more about this, but for now – let’s get back to Kindle.

I googled! No no! I yahoo-ed!!! 😀
I searched for Kindle and found only sites where to buy a Kindle reading device. So? Did that mean I couldn’t read a Kindle-book? I had suspected that earlier, and these adds manifested my belief a bit more.

Then Chris mentioned the word “App” – and I listened. (Read: listen = read). I got my hopes back since I all the time I’ve known about Chris and Luna’s online, I’ve liked what she writes and would love to read more!

So I visited Appstore, and goodness gracious! There it was! The Kindle-app! And, for free!!!! So I downloaded it to the iPad.
That was the easiest part of it all.

Okay! Then I had to get an account on Amazon since I couldn’t register directly from the app. But what I saw there, on the screen, made me a bit confused. Mobile accounts? Is my iPad mobile? I can move it and take it with me… hm… do I really have to register an account on Amazon with my phone number?!?!!?!?!?. I absolutely don’t want to do that. NEVER!
Or…  what on earth IS a mobile account???

To make a short-way here – I did find my way to Amazon on the laptop, and to register an account. I also browsed the site for a while, but first…
Back to the iPad!

I logged in, chose some books I would want to read, and suddenly samples of them and a couple of others were downloaded. Then I waited for the mail from Amazon with Chris’ book gift, and I was thrilled about that! And it came, I followed the instructions – and ended up with a – sample???

In between there, when I had clicked the link in the mail I got to this page:

Can not be redeemed in your country… WHAT!?!?!?
This title is not available in your country… WHAT!?!?!?

But I could get a free sample? And the possibility to buy the book?!

At first, I had no idea what all this meant – not redeemed et cetera – and I don’t think I actually missed anything. The only available button was “send a free sample” – so I did push that button! And got a sample. Containing the first short story, the very same one which I already had read on her blog! There was also a little piece of the second short story, but then – it was it!

Redeem: gain or regain possession of (something) in exchange for payment

Then for several (wasted) hours I tried to understand, find information, answers – but find almost nothing. Why redeemed, for example! What does the word redeem mean?

As far as I could understand this, the reason why I couldn’t get the book, was due to some copyright restrictions. But I admit! I had some real trouble understanding what Amazon actually mean with the whole explanation and “help-section”! I just don’t get it!!! And my patience is now up! Finished! Out of order!

And on top of that, they could download the free sample, and tell me to BUY THE BOOK!!!

It was a gift!
And if I can’t receive the gift book
– because I live in Sweden –
then don’t even bother to offer me to buy it!!!
It’ so demeaning! So stupid! So…

After all those hours spending on Amazon yesterday evening and today, I’m highly irritated and brain-tired! I do not want to, deal with neither Amazon nor Kindle anymore. But before ending this post, I’ll try my best to reveal what else I did on Amazon. Besides trying to find information that they obviously don’t publish… or hide really well…

I did some comparing between iBooks and Amazon books, and to me, Apple’s iBooks is a win-win.
I randomly looked for books on both, that I want to buy and read. All of those chosen were less expensive at iBooks.
I didn’t put any energy in finding books on Amazon in other languages than English, on the other hand – I didn’t stumble on any either.
Apple/iBooks offers books in many other languages.

I can get books for free on iBooks, and there are many at very low prices
I don’t know if there are free books at all on Amazon unless you have this thingy… that cost you something each month… and which I couldn’t find the information about the cost… The real cost, I mean, not the first month/months (whatever) for 99 cents.

There are books, Kindle books, that are very low in price, I admit that. But on the whole, I’ll remain true to Apple/iBooks not only for the prices and the languages, but also because I find Amazon’s site is almost totally hopeless and unclear to navigate through.

Greetings from the Couch

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What I’m waiting and longing for, is to open this entrance door with my own key. Then, step up two floors to open the door to my new apartment. Also with a key of my own.

But soon, I’ll be there. It’s not even two weeks left to go. It’s amazing how time flies! Just recently it was summer, and I added up to the queue, wanting one of these apartments. And, now! I’m there. Not physically – yet – but in my mind and soul.

Note:
No, I’m not entering NaNoWriMo this year. Either. Actually… I’ve never done that. Once, though, I agreed to blog everyday instead. November. Thirty days. Only one tiny post a day was required and it could be anything at all! I thought that would be as easy as munching on peanuts… NOPE! It wasn’t!

About the blog and WP:
It’s still not prioritized. Inside my head, there are almost only thoughts about the move. And when not – I watch Babylon5 or some movie. Yesterday I watched “Cloud Atlas”, one of my favorites. Simultaneously I knitted a sock. A warm, woolly one. I didn’t get it finished, but there’s another evening coming later today. And then I have to make sock number two, to get a pair. And warm feet…

I also do a lot of coloring, solitaires and jigsaw puzzles. Always on the iPad. Solitaires mostly on the MacBookPro, so I won’t have to wait for all those commercials between games. Funny, what odd things you can think about and do, when you can’t think. If you catch my drift here.

However, somehow I felt like making the blog a bit Christmas-ish. With a red background and such. But a totally red background on “GEMA” was simply too much. I “borrowed” a more traditional type of theme for the time being, and hope that WP will launch that snowing this year as well. (Blockage = lot’s of nonsense-thoughts)

I’ve also started a new account on Instagram. The same name as this blog. Thêa by Me. @theabyme. You’re very welcome to visit, like and follow – and I’ll follow you. Have managed to add some photos, found some others to follow, and have even got a couple of followers already! Whadyuonow… (does anyone have a spelling lexicon for these kinds of expressions?)

Yeah! I’m bone idle at the moment and that´s okay.
Though, next week I’ll start cleaning this apartment. Little by little.

Now, I’m gonna take a nap…

Problems?

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Been working on this…

Thoughts & Ponderings

I have difficulties, finding a theme for my other blog, “Thêa by Me”, that I like entirely. The one I use now, called GEMA, is really nice, and as such I like it. The best I’ve found so far. I like the different look about it compared to most other themes I’ve tested, and I like the way the header image puts itself. I also really enjoy the drop cap I fairly easily can add, even though the font itself isn’t to my liking. On the whole, I like it despite the fact, it only comes in one color and for now I’ve chosen white, with black accents.
But still, there is something. Yeah, there is a but.

As such, I’ve tried on lots and lots of other themes (it’s fun, really), partly since my preferences normally goes to a more colorful outfit, always has. I’ve even tried the…

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How to surprise yourself

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Ever since I started this blog, I’ve been looking for the “right” theme for it. I’ve tested many – after all there are now also 197 premium themes I can choose from, and I really think it’s fun to check out new themes – but it’s not an easy task to pick out the one you like the best.

I’ve preferences, you know. A narrow main column, for the sake of readability. A personal touch, and wouldn’t mind it to be colorful. Featured images, but not so that I must have one. Wouldn’t mind featured content, showing some posts, with an image, in a slider of some sort. I like it when the header is centered and fairly big, and I prefer to have a normal old fashioned menu at the top, and the widgets on the bottom. Can accept the widget in a sidebar, bur there are some musts and must-nots there.

And it mustn’t be white!
Not a sleek, white, plain, elegant, minimal blog for me!

I know! There are many blogger that have chosen one of those themes, and really have made it super beautiful. I kind of envy them! But I have never been comfortable having one like that myself. And I’ll see it everyday whether I post anything or not, It bores me, and I want to love the theme I choose! I want to feel happy about it, fell joy when writing and posting.

And what happens?

 

 

After testing many and actually trying some published – dark ones, vintage ones, even a free theme for a while – I finally get hooked on a white, slim, elegant… et cetera… theme.

Talk about a big surprise!

I like the narrow main column, the way the header images and widgets appear, the placement of the header – and maybe most of all: that I for example can add drop-caps, make some paragraphs a bit bigger, and such.

It required some CSS and HTML issues, of course, and it’s been a long time since I used such matters. Except for color coding. So after a long time searching WP for some reminders, I still knew the general of it, but not all the details, I finally found that pages and could make a note for myself what codes to add and where. It took quite some time to do all this in my first post here, almost the entire Thursday, but I felt pleased and satisfied when finished.

Will I keep this theme forever?

How long is forever?

To write, or not to write

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Is that a question?
In that case, my answer is yes.

This account, the first blog called “Thoughts & Ponderings”, I started since I wanted to write about Mom and what I experienced during my childhood. And further on…
I also wanted to write about my spiritual path, including doing the lessons in “A Course in Miracles.

First, my Childhood Memories

– finished way sooner than I thought it would. I came to terms with my Mom. That’s a good thing and I’m really glad. What I wrote then, you now can read under the label “Down Memory lane” in the menu. I’ve altered the posts into a chronological order, just the way I wrote it.

Second – doing the lessons in “A Course in Miracles”

– there I failed. Actually, that doesn’t bother me. There are many ways to reach conscious awareness, and maybe this particular one isn’t mine to go. Or it will be later.

And due to that, most of my writing stopped which I hadn’t been counting on. I wrote some, but in a way, after finishing writing about Mom, I felt quite emptied.

I also realized I wasn’t quite pleased with the blog itself. Not the writing per se, but partly what it looked like and mostly whereas the name.
The web address, particularly. Way too long! After some pondering, I reckoned the easiest way was to create a new blog. If I had understood it rightly, it would cost me a sum to change the web address, and then I would still be haunted by the .wordpress part of it.

At that time it felt natural to me, to call the blog “Thêa by Me” and I immediately created a new blog under that name – and didn’t have to cope with any numbers put in there like an unwanted tail.

Of course, Wp offered me a premium plan to a 20% discount, and I jumped to it!
So there’s the name, short and simple. http://www.theabyme.com. And there are no ads any longer, and I have more themes to choose from – which doesn’t make choosing easier, by the way.

So now what?
I’m supposed to write!
What’s stopping me?

I want to be true!
To both myself and to my writing!
I want to write every day!
I want to write important things, about topics that matter!
Topics that interests me!

And then I end up telling about my soon to be apartment, and that I’ve begun going to a gym for working out. How interesting is that?

Okay! One of my interests is the conception of food and health – but I don’t want to have a pure food-blog. I’ve been there, done that.
I’ve also realized I’m not a one-topic-person! I can’t stick to that. So I’ll be versatile since that’s more me!

Can I begin with some serious writing now?

Hopefully! And meantime I’ll try to figure out the right categories, and try to stick to those. One topic – one category. Spirituality, Quotes, Down Memory Lane, Food & Health… what else?


 

One last thing though. Those people who have been visiting me and also follow me at “Thoughts & Ponderings”? What about them?

I’ve been thinking about that. And we all know one thing. Either people follow you because they want to follow you, and for one or another reason like what you publish. But there are also those who follow just because they want you to follow them. And there are business people who want you to buy something.

Those who show up here now, from T&P, are the ones well worth keep following. Isn’t it? Except those who just want something from you.

Apropos that! I also want to be more active in commenting. I read most of the posts in the blogs I follow but am still terrible to comment. But I’ll give that until mid-December. When I’m through all packing and cleaning and moving. I accept that I now am in some kind of half-half country. In between apartments, metaphorically speaking. Don’t have my mind properly focused on anything, actually. Hardly even read any books at present…