Posted in Around & About, Blogging, Books & Reading, Writing

I feel….

I feel so…
I feel…

I… don’t quite know how I feel, or what I feel.
A least I can’t put a label on it!

I’m not sad, not angry, not … not anything negative, really!

On the whole, I feel good. I like being back in my city, close to my daughters.
I love my apartment, really enjoy living here.

I don’t have many friends, but I love those I have.
I’m mostly alone, but enjoy that! Feel good when being in my solitude and silence.

So far, so good!
But still, there is something. I think the word frustrated is the most appropriate one.

I want so much to write and to read, as I used too.
Not too long ago I got new ideas all the time, and I wrote and I wrote! And I read books by the minute! All the time I had some book in my hands.

And now! Nothing comes to me!
No! Not quite true! Lately, I’ve begun getting ideas again. During the past few months only. Or even weeks. After the move?
Unfortunately neither due for a novel, nor a short story, nor anything like that. But something I could make into a blog post! I’m being out somewhere, and get some kind of monologue in my head. I feel happy about that.

Finally, finally, I can write again! Like I used to!

Then.
When home.
Sitting in front of my computer.
All is lost and all I can see is a huge black mountain which I can’t climb.
Even the threshold is too high for me to climb.
It is so frustrating.

Reading? Well, I do read some. There was a time, not that long ago, when I couldn’t concentrate on reading at all. Then slowly that ability awakened, but I’m still a long way from reading as I used to.

But I do blog, don’t I?
Yes! I do!
And I’m so happy about that enhancement in my writing life, but I can also see most of those posts are quite mediocre. I want to do better!
I can do better!

The best ones,though, are those I wrote during the first months of this blog’s existence. The ones about my Mom and the abuse. I just don’t need to write more about that topic. I’m in peace with Mom! Pity, in a way, but one can’t dwell in the past. It’s the now that counts.

So why do I still have a problem with writing?

In early 2006 I moved to a city some 80 km north from where I live now. Many times during the years thereafter, I wondered why on earth I made that move. Well! I was offered a job there, and there was also a Mr. Somebody whom I thought maybe could be Mr. Right. But both the Job and the Mr soon went down the drain. Picturesquely speaking.

But left, was this push I had got in my butt when the Mr had said:
“WRITE! You have it in you!”

Immediately I searched for writing classes, then I wrote and I studied, got writing friends and kept on like that until 2012. And as you probably understand already, this was NOT the first time I was writing anything literary. I done that to and fro ever since I learned to write. And I read books before that. Read all the time, everywhere, and my mother all the time told me not to. It wasn’t good for my eyes, she claimed!!!

I didn’t realize it just then, but I had during a couple of years developed a burn-out condition. What I had noticed, was that it had become difficult for me to come up with new stories for the classes, and even harder for me to read and then comment on my fellows writing-pieces. For a while, I cheated. From me, I chose old stories to bring instead of writing anything new; and I glanced a bit on the other guys’ texts and then commented something… very general…

But I realized after a couple of semesters this wasn’t reasonable. I didn’t write anything new, I didn’t learn anything new, and I didn’t contribute anything to my writing friends.

I gave up.

So when I say I wrote and worked in the classes with writing until Christmas 2012, it isn’t quite true. I tried to, wrote some, and actually one of my most beautiful short stories I wrote in 2012. But I felt like a failure. A very tired and lonely failure.

It took me a couple of years before I truly realized all this was due to stress. My brain, my mind, couldn’t take my present situation any longer and  – in a way – shut down parts of itself.

Well! I still functioned! I kept doing what I had to do to survive. No one to help me through my daily life, I had to go on. But I kept me more and more to myself since I had no energy left for doing anything else.

I don’t say all was black and sad and lonely and depressed. Oh no! First of all, all these m o m e n t s occurred in periods, and some periods were good! Many days were good! What helped me a lot, was when I discovered my ability to express myself in images, and in making posters and such. Lots of colors. My fantasy had a way to go, through editing photos, adding filters, playing with lensflares and such possibilities. I still do that sometimes, but way back then – mostly between late 2013 til late 2016 – it was kind of lifeline to me

And now! On my way…

Later I used to say, I could from 2012 and forward, very well have worked with proofreading and/or editing texts. My skills and my talent, which I have had all my life, and my knowledge and capability were still intact. What I had lost were the fantasy and the ability to concentrate. But that was frustrating enough!

Frustrating! Yes! Still!
But I’m grateful I now can write blog posts fairly frequently and fairly fluent – even in English. But my own opinion of how I write and even more about what I write – is that it is quite mediocre. I can be more interesting! I can do better! I want to do better!

A cat rescuing me!!! Some vegan thoughts!!!

At the same time, it kind of amazes me, that I’ve chosen to write in English! Why? When it’s so much quicker and easier to write in Swedish? Okay! There are more than one answer, to that question. But the bottom line is, that I’m actually good at writing! In my own language, that is. In Swedish! I have a large vocabulary, I’m really good at spelling, and I know my grammar. I know so much grammar, that I also can bend the rules if I want to. And make the text understandable and “right”!

I’m also good with “showing not telling”, and dialogues. I can make people feel “like they are there” when they read. And I would be hugely ashamed of myself if I had to use Grammarly when writing in Swedish – if there is a Grammarly for Swedish texts, that is…

Writing in English is quite different. It’s not only on commas, that Grammarly and I have different opinions…

Despite all this in my back pocket – 

I can’t reach my imagination, and my brain is still not sufficiently cooperative when it comes to focusing on words! I feel numb!
I’ve been pondering to continue writing on some of my old drafts, I have a couple of quite good ones to chose from. The thought has felt quite appealing, actually. But so far nothing has gotten beyond that thought. 😦

Talk about being frustrated!

And writing in English! – It takes at least twice the time to write something. So blurting out all these words must be extraordinary, and how many hours has this taken me? I have absolutely no idea!

It must be hope somewhere, mustn’t it?

(Also when writing in Swedish I’m very particular,
but at least I used to land it faulty-free there and then.)

 

 

Posted in Blogging, Books & Reading

What’s wrong with Kindle?

Everything, I’m inclined to say. But of course, I should neither judge nor condemn so soon in my acquaintance with Kindle.
Well… if there will be any further acquaintance…

I was one of the lucky ones, who received a Kindle Book gift from Chris Hall on Luna’s online. At first, I was a bit reluctant. Since I don’t have Kindle myself, would it be possible for me to accept this gift?

I didn’t know much about Kindle, other than it is one way to read books online, on some kind of tablet. So, I couldn’t even say whether it is “only” an app or a device with some kind of software developed for book reading. I also knew it had something to do with Amazon, but I admit! My knowledge here was very limited. I’m a little bit wiser now. (With the emphasis on “a little bit”.)

Mainly, probably, since I’m devoted to Apple and therefore have one iPhone, one iPad and one Apple laptop, namely a MacBookPro.
And therefore – I also have iBooks (now called “Books”) including all the benefits of the iCloud function. I can read books on all devices, and jump from one device to another and there keep on reading – if I want to! And it costs me no extra. I could say more about this, but for now – let’s get back to Kindle.

I googled! No no! I yahoo-ed!!! 😀
I searched for Kindle and found only sites where to buy a Kindle reading device. So? Did that mean I couldn’t read a Kindle-book? I had suspected that earlier, and these adds manifested my belief a bit more.

Then Chris mentioned the word “App” – and I listened. (Read: listen = read). I got my hopes back since I all the time I’ve known about Chris and Luna’s online, I’ve liked what she writes and would love to read more!

So I visited Appstore, and goodness gracious! There it was! The Kindle-app! And, for free!!!! So I downloaded it to the iPad.
That was the easiest part of it all.

Okay! Then I had to get an account on Amazon since I couldn’t register directly from the app. But what I saw there, on the screen, made me a bit confused. Mobile accounts? Is my iPad mobile? I can move it and take it with me… hm… do I really have to register an account on Amazon with my phone number?!?!!?!?!?. I absolutely don’t want to do that. NEVER!
Or…  what on earth IS a mobile account???

To make a short-way here – I did find my way to Amazon on the laptop, and to register an account. I also browsed the site for a while, but first…
Back to the iPad!

I logged in, chose some books I would want to read, and suddenly samples of them and a couple of others were downloaded. Then I waited for the mail from Amazon with Chris’ book gift, and I was thrilled about that! And it came, I followed the instructions – and ended up with a – sample???

In between there, when I had clicked the link in the mail I got to this page:

Can not be redeemed in your country… WHAT!?!?!?
This title is not available in your country… WHAT!?!?!?

But I could get a free sample? And the possibility to buy the book?!

At first, I had no idea what all this meant – not redeemed et cetera – and I don’t think I actually missed anything. The only available button was “send a free sample” – so I did push that button! And got a sample. Containing the first short story, the very same one which I already had read on her blog! There was also a little piece of the second short story, but then – it was it!

Redeem: gain or regain possession of (something) in exchange for payment

Then for several (wasted) hours I tried to understand, find information, answers – but find almost nothing. Why redeemed, for example! What does the word redeem mean?

As far as I could understand this, the reason why I couldn’t get the book, was due to some copyright restrictions. But I admit! I had some real trouble understanding what Amazon actually mean with the whole explanation and “help-section”! I just don’t get it!!! And my patience is now up! Finished! Out of order!

And on top of that, they could download the free sample, and tell me to BUY THE BOOK!!!

It was a gift!
And if I can’t receive the gift book
– because I live in Sweden –
then don’t even bother to offer me to buy it!!!
It’ so demeaning! So stupid! So…

After all those hours spending on Amazon yesterday evening and today, I’m highly irritated and brain-tired! I do not want to, deal with neither Amazon nor Kindle anymore. But before ending this post, I’ll try my best to reveal what else I did on Amazon. Besides trying to find information that they obviously don’t publish… or hide really well…

I did some comparing between iBooks and Amazon books, and to me, Apple’s iBooks is a win-win.
I randomly looked for books on both, that I want to buy and read. All of those chosen were less expensive at iBooks.
I didn’t put any energy in finding books on Amazon in other languages than English, on the other hand – I didn’t stumble on any either.
Apple/iBooks offers books in many other languages.

I can get books for free on iBooks, and there are many at very low prices
I don’t know if there are free books at all on Amazon unless you have this thingy… that cost you something each month… and which I couldn’t find the information about the cost… The real cost, I mean, not the first month/months (whatever) for 99 cents.

There are books, Kindle books, that are very low in price, I admit that. But on the whole, I’ll remain true to Apple/iBooks not only for the prices and the languages, but also because I find Amazon’s site is almost totally hopeless and unclear to navigate through.

Posted in Around & About, Blogging

Greetings from the Couch

What I’m waiting and longing for, is to open this entrance door with my own key. Then, step up two floors to open the door to my new apartment. Also with a key of my own.

But soon, I’ll be there. It’s not even two weeks left to go. It’s amazing how time flies! Just recently it was summer, and I added up to the queue, wanting one of these apartments. And, now! I’m there. Not physically – yet – but in my mind and soul.

Note:
No, I’m not entering NaNoWriMo this year. Either. Actually… I’ve never done that. Once, though, I agreed to blog everyday instead. November. Thirty days. Only one tiny post a day was required and it could be anything at all! I thought that would be as easy as munching on peanuts… NOPE! It wasn’t!

About the blog and WP:
It’s still not prioritized. Inside my head, there are almost only thoughts about the move. And when not – I watch Babylon5 or some movie. Yesterday I watched “Cloud Atlas”, one of my favorites. Simultaneously I knitted a sock. A warm, woolly one. I didn’t get it finished, but there’s another evening coming later today. And then I have to make sock number two, to get a pair. And warm feet…

I also do a lot of coloring, solitaires and jigsaw puzzles. Always on the iPad. Solitaires mostly on the MacBookPro, so I won’t have to wait for all those commercials between games. Funny, what odd things you can think about and do, when you can’t think. If you catch my drift here.

However, somehow I felt like making the blog a bit Christmas-ish. With a red background and such. But a totally red background on “GEMA” was simply too much. I “borrowed” a more traditional type of theme for the time being, and hope that WP will launch that snowing this year as well. (Blockage = lot’s of nonsense-thoughts)

I’ve also started a new account on Instagram. The same name as this blog. Thêa by Me. @theabyme. You’re very welcome to visit, like and follow – and I’ll follow you. Have managed to add some photos, found some others to follow, and have even got a couple of followers already! Whadyuonow… (does anyone have a spelling lexicon for these kinds of expressions?)

Yeah! I’m bone idle at the moment and that´s okay.
Though, next week I’ll start cleaning this apartment. Little by little.

Now, I’m gonna take a nap…

Posted in Blogging, Writing

To write, or not to write

Is that a question?
In that case, my answer is yes.

This account, the first blog called “Thoughts & Ponderings”, I started since I wanted to write about Mom and what I experienced during my childhood. And further on…
I also wanted to write about my spiritual path, including doing the lessons in “A Course in Miracles.

First, my Childhood Memories

– finished way sooner than I thought it would. I came to terms with my Mom. That’s a good thing and I’m really glad. What I wrote then, you now can read under the label “Down Memory lane” in the menu. I’ve altered the posts into a chronological order, just the way I wrote it.

Second – doing the lessons in “A Course in Miracles”

– there I failed. Actually, that doesn’t bother me. There are many ways to reach conscious awareness, and maybe this particular one isn’t mine to go. Or it will be later.

And due to that, most of my writing stopped which I hadn’t been counting on. I wrote some, but in a way, after finishing writing about Mom, I felt quite emptied.

I also realized I wasn’t quite pleased with the blog itself. Not the writing per se, but partly what it looked like and mostly whereas the name.
The web address, particularly. Way too long! After some pondering, I reckoned the easiest way was to create a new blog. If I had understood it rightly, it would cost me a sum to change the web address, and then I would still be haunted by the .wordpress part of it.

At that time it felt natural to me, to call the blog “Thêa by Me” and I immediately created a new blog under that name – and didn’t have to cope with any numbers put in there like an unwanted tail.

Of course, Wp offered me a premium plan to a 20% discount, and I jumped to it!
So there’s the name, short and simple. http://www.theabyme.com. And there are no ads any longer, and I have more themes to choose from – which doesn’t make choosing easier, by the way.

So now what?
I’m supposed to write!
What’s stopping me?

I want to be true!
To both myself and to my writing!
I want to write every day!
I want to write important things, about topics that matter!
Topics that interests me!

And then I end up telling about my soon to be apartment, and that I’ve begun going to a gym for working out. How interesting is that?

Okay! One of my interests is the conception of food and health – but I don’t want to have a pure food-blog. I’ve been there, done that.
I’ve also realized I’m not a one-topic-person! I can’t stick to that. So I’ll be versatile since that’s more me!

Can I begin with some serious writing now?

Hopefully! And meantime I’ll try to figure out the right categories, and try to stick to those. One topic – one category. Spirituality, Quotes, Down Memory Lane, Food & Health… what else?


 

One last thing though. Those people who have been visiting me and also follow me at “Thoughts & Ponderings”? What about them?

I’ve been thinking about that. And we all know one thing. Either people follow you because they want to follow you, and for one or another reason like what you publish. But there are also those who follow just because they want you to follow them. And there are business people who want you to buy something.

Those who show up here now, from T&P, are the ones well worth keep following. Isn’t it? Except those who just want something from you.

Apropos that! I also want to be more active in commenting. I read most of the posts in the blogs I follow but am still terrible to comment. But I’ll give that until mid-December. When I’m through all packing and cleaning and moving. I accept that I now am in some kind of half-half country. In between apartments, metaphorically speaking. Don’t have my mind properly focused on anything, actually. Hardly even read any books at present…

Posted in Blogging, Miscellaneous, Writing

What’s up?

Not much, really. In a way, I’ve been quite bone idle lately. Besides the ordinary “to-do’s”, what I mostly have occupied myself with, is to configure the new blog. Thus, I’ve spent a lot of time by the computer. Which is not good for the back.

It’s quite fun, but also time-consuming. The hardest part is to find a theme I like. Since I intend to mostly focus on writing, I need a theme with a fairly narrow main column. It’s much easier to read a text, and also understand what you read, if the rows aren’t too long.

That’ not easy to find. Especially not among the newer themes. “All” of them seem to be big, with broad main column and big font size. And to that – white. Always white, sleek and – boring. There are people who can make these kinds of themes really beautiful – but I’m not one of those.

There are of course exceptions, but you have to try the themes, to actually find out about that. You can never, or at least rarely, see it in beforehand, what a theme will look like until you actually have tested the ones you think might be likeable for you.

I know most of the free themes, what they look like “in action”, but now I had the possibilities to explore all the premium ones. All one hundred and ninety seven of them…

I scrolled, had a preview of some, find a couple which I liked and eventually one of them could be the one I would choose. Perhaps. The brooooaaad ones I kicked aside at once. Liked “Blocco” in many ways, but hated the widget cubicles that didn’t adapt in size if the widget itself was small. Like the “Follow button”. It looked so silly with all that empty space. And I want widgets! But I realized thanks to this, that I wanted and needed the possibility to have featured images.

I temporarily activated an old theme – old themes mostly have a narrow main column, and all the posts can be seen and scrolled through at the homepage. I needed that, to be able to see the whole post, all the text, so I easily could decide which posts I didn’t want to have on the blog. So I deleted more than half the amount of posts I had imported. Then I added featured images to the ones which were left, and I also examined the categories and deleted most of them – and instead added a couple of new ones.

I kept working until really late a couple of days in a row. Tested yet a couple of themes, had preferences to black, but not totally black, found some, liked one called Verity. But – there were always something about those themes I didn’t feel comfortable with. Even the old theme “Handmade”, which I used while browsing my posts, was actually really nice. I like many of the old ones, but I want a theme that has the possibility to show Featured images, and are shown in a way I like them to be.

Today, before noon, I started over from the beginning, exploring the newest premium themes. I opened the latest first. Named: Photo blog. Which I really didn’t think I would like. One for Photography!!! But I really got surprised! It had an acceptably narrow main column, and one of the Style Packs appealed to me. It was light but not white, and have an older flare. That was really totally okay!

So that one I can “live with” – at least for the time being. To begin with. I’ll most probably investigate most of the other premium themes, by and by, but now I feel I want to start writing something instead of fixing. I have a couple of ideas.

P.S. I still don’t like the Gutenberg editor…

Posted in Blogging

I DID IT!

I did buy that Premium plan! It felt so Oooops when I saw I could get 20% discount. At first I thought it was a divine gift, a hint that I really should do this. That it is the next step on my way, and that I would benefit from it.

Then I realized it was probably just WordPress that registered I had created a new blog, and wanted to catch me.

But the fact that I actually saw that I could get the Premium plan to reduced price, after having thought about it and also written about it – may very well have been a divine hint! A push from my Dear Spirit Within, just there and then, inspired me to look at the stats page where I read about the offer.

So I did it! I now have a Premium plan on Thea by Me

It’s so fun! I not only have all the premium themes to choose from. I also have a Costume designer that offers endless amounts of palettes, and I can furthermore change almost every color on the theme, one at a time, manually.

There are also loads of background images. One gets suggestions for some that corresponds well to the colors you’ve chosen. But I would say, those images are mostly way too patterened and multicolored. The background could easily draw the attention to itself, kind of competing with the posts to have the visitors attention.

Then there are a lot more fonts to choose between. Which makes all of this so fun to work with. Of course there are also the possibility to use CSS, and add plugins. Though, I shamefully have to admit, I don’t know how to work with CSS. I know what it is, understand that very well, I have sometimes been working with html, and I’m familiar with color coding. But changing things using CSS the way WP presents it, I just can’t. I’ve tried, but understood nothing, and when I tried to learn, I just got so tired in my head. So I skipped the whole thing about CSS.

And now – Oh My Gosh! – the entire day has gone by, but luckily I don’t have to go up early tomorrow. Three days in a row of early mornings are more than enough.

Posted in Blogging, Miscellaneous

Been pondering

For quite some time, now, I’ve been thinking about upgrading my blog to the Premium plan. At first, I was thinking of getting the less expensive choice, a Personal plan, but that would only take away the ads and the “wordpress” in the address. Okay! It would also double the storage space from 3 Gb to 6, but these enhancements aren’t enough in my opinion.

I had realized my current web address is too long, and all the numbers!!! – Well, I hate that! I didn’t want them, but it seemed I had no choice. Don’t remember I was given any choice! When the name “thoughtsandponderings” was ok’d and I clicked “yes”, then suddenly those numbers, 714997110, were added. Why? And how was it, I wasn’t given the option to pick another name at that point?

I also want to focus a bit more again on writing and blogging. I know I have gone astray lately, due to various events, but it’s not to late to change that. Going back on track again, so to speak.
I want to focus more on telling you about remembrances from my life, and also focus more on spirituality. But since I am who I am, I’ll probably keep on, going astray with various topics.

The decision to actually subscribe to a premium plan, came when I realized it would cost me less per month than Netflix. And per year, only a little more than what I until recently have paid for my domain at One.com. And since I have left Netflix, and said goodbye to One.com – I never do homepages any more, neither for myself nor anyone else, and paying a yearly fee to one.com for having one or two mail-addresses there only – No! That isn’t worth the money!

Then! Practically! How to do this? I hesitated for a long time to go through with this task. Mostly since I wanted to change the name as well. Was that doable? Would it cost me extra?
Then suddenly last week, I realized I could create another blog at the same account as this one, hopefully get a shorter name, and then upgrade that one!

I did, and WP accepted the name “theabyme” immediately! And no numbers added! Yippiieee!!!

Then came the question… should I move everything, every post, over there from here and simply – in due time – delete this one? Or should I keep them both? Just divide the topics between them? For the time being, I’m leaning at (on?) the latter decision. The autobiographic and the spiritual parts on the new one, and let everything about music, books, reading, writings in general, and things like gathering with friends and family, remain here.

Should I say: Let the shallow human topics remain here, and gather the serious stuff over there? 😀 😀 😀

So I have created a new blog – Thea by Me. I have looked for an acceptable theme to use – temporarily. I have exported most of my posts over there, so I haven’t written anything new for that one yet. I really tried to not go too fast forward with this.

Actually there is just one “but” now. I have to wait – maybe a month, maybe more – before I actually buy this upgrade. I have to pay the fee annually, and for the time being I have to be careful with my economy. I have recently been to the dentist, and also had to purchase a new MagSafe adapter for my MacBook, just to mention a couple of the “extras” this month. And then there is the Move coming up early in December… and to that I promised my Daughter M to be of at least some help, since my granddaughter “accidentally” happened to smash her iPhone, and need a new one… (What on earth have I gotten myself into…)

However, the blog itself is launched, even though I have to work on it more. Delete some of the posts; preferably find photos to set as featured image on the remaining posts; work out what better categories and tags I ought to use; and so on.

The address now is www.theabyme.wordpress.com, and later – with the “wordpress” gone, it will be short, nice and easy to remember. http://www.theabyme.com

THEN! I’ll also have lots of Premium themes to choose from… won’t have any problems with what to spend my free hours with then… knowing myself… (it’s fun!)