I might repeat myself a bit here. Or maybe I just need to let go of something. But… For a couple of days now, it has been really hard to write. And I have no idea, how I have managed to write as much as I have, for NaNoWroMo. Yesterday I was saved by the bell when I found some notes I had done earlier, which made me get going. But I had rather not written at all.
During the day I had been cleaning my apartment, and also moved my sofa to another spot in the room. Well! HA! ”Spot” and ”Moved”, are not exactly the right words for that. Area and Dragged, are better. The sofa is big and heavy.
As the evening got closer, I was watching ”Gotham” on Netflix, and at the same time, I was knitting a pair of mittens for my daughter. I’m going there for the upcoming weekend, and I want them to be finished so I can give them to her, along with a scarf and a cap, all of them knitted in the same yarn, warm and wholly. I also had in mind to knit a cap for the grandson. I finished the mittens and began with the cap, so now I just hope I’ll finish that one as well on Thursday at the latest.
What all this bla-bla is the replacement for, is a confession that I at that time, had forgotten all about writing! Then suddenly I realized it was already 8 PM, and OOOPS! I have to write at least something! Please! At least a couple of hundred words!
My mind was blank. Totally empty and black. I stared at Scrivener’s pale yellow background. It stared back at me. Nothing here. Nothing there. Nothing anywhere. I sought it here. I sought it there. I sought it everywhere. Oh, that elusive Pimpernel…
No, I didn’t! Seek everywhere. But I looked among those notes and mini-drafts I have in a file. It helped! I wrote! But probably the lousiest text I have ever written. Don’t think I can keep any of it.
But I wrote!
No! I didn’t. I heaped loads of words upon each other! That’s what I did! And I don’t even have a clue what I’ve written! So to speak.
Adding words to words that way isn’t my normal way of writing. As long as it goes, it might go very well. After all, in total, I have written a lot of good stuff as well. But now when I begin to feel stressed about having to perform, to achieve, to produce! To add a lot of words just to get a huge amount of words during a fixed timeline – it’s about becoming a disaster! At least if I had wanted to create a draft to a novel.
Before the Burn-out, I wrote a lot. I wrote daily. But I never felt the need to perform a certain amount of words every day. I don’t complain now, it’s just facts! And I knew what I signed up for. 50.000 words in 30 days.
Why I did it? I have said it before – I wanted to train myself to write daily, again. To write a lot, again. And I didn’t commit to writing a draft to a novel, not necessarily. So also blogposts count, here and on my Swedish blog. Mails can be counted in, I just don’t write many mails. Text messages can be counted in if I consider it writing and not just a short something to someone. And of course personal dairy notes, which can be quite wordy.
Looking upon it that way, I have done very well. Beyond 40.000 words now (yesterday) for the NaNoWriMo. And for myself.
So why am I complaining about this! Because I realize I am! Do I have any actual reason to complain? Actually – no. In the beginning, I had no idea for a fantasy novel. I thought I wouldn’t write any fiction at all! And yet – I have written quite a lot, to later be included in a Fantasy Novel. Almost two-thirds of those 40.000+ words are scenes to be incorporated.
And the funny thing is – odd-funny not haha-funny – I realize I’m building a world, where all my fantasy writings and its characters this year can be gathered together. Not necessarily that all those people are going to meet, to connect, or counteract – but they live in the same world.
Thinking about it like that, I don’t have to feel miserable just because I cannot write for a couple of days – and still, I write!
I just need a day off, or two. Or to allow me to sometimes just write one puny scene. Maybe only 758 words or so.
What this NaNoWriMo has shown me so far, is that I’m capable of so much more. Who on earth thought I would write 3283 words in just a few hours! I didn’t. But! I can! I’m able to write even a lot more than that.
I just have to let go of that behavior to stress myself into any oveer achievement. Instead, keep the joy of creating a story, and don’t think the world will fall apart if there is a day once in a while when I rather want to read a book, watch a movie, knit a cardigan, sit in the sunshine a lovely day in May, bike to the sea-side – or do anything else but write.
I just have to make sure, most of my days are writing days.
I’ll be away from home for a couple of days only. I thought I’ll bring my laptop, but I will hardly be sitting for hours to write when I visit my daughter and her family. That would not only be rude. It would be awful to waste precious time with those I love, not totally being with them.
Maybe I should leave the laptop at home, after all. It weighs more than the iPad, and I’ll go by train. And will only be gone for four days.