Monday, and time again for spending some time at the library. Painting time. On the whole, it’s nice. But today I was almost on my way to go back home again. Since it almost was about: “do as you’re told, ’cause that is how things should be done”!
For a while, I felt bored and a bit sad, but soon I got cheeky instead. Almost, but just almost, impertinent.
Last time, my first time in this group, I told the leader that I can’t draw. It’s nothing odd about that! I can’t put together a car engine either! Or speak Russian! It doesn’t say I can’t learn to do one or all of those things, but as it is now – I can’t.
Last time, I tried to copy an already existing painting of a lady in a big hat. It turned out to be an angry woman in purple. And it took me only about two hours to paint.
I got reprimanded for that. I did it to fast! I should work slower and more thoroughly!
For goodness sake, man! I’m an ADHD person! I can’t go slow and I can’t draw and I can’t do as you say just because you say it! That just isn’t in me!!! The slow thing, that is… (sometimes I can, it depends on what it is.) When creativity pops – IT POPS! AT ONCE! And when something is done and ready – it is!
I noticed I was a bit nervous and hesitant. I remembered the teacher’s comment, and after last Monday… well… I have to admit! I didn’t know what to draw and then paint. Yeah! I ADMIT! I was afraid of even put the pen to the paper! I knew I wasn’t able to do the sketching part! I know about painting! But my hands don’t!
I looked through my photos on the iPhone if there was something I could use. Nada!
He asked where my painting from last Monday was.
“Go and fetch it?”
I looked at him and felt a big question mark in my face.
“Go home and fetch it?” He said once more.
Now I understood. He wanted me to continue working on that one.
I shook my head.
“No! I can’t do anything more with that one!”
He came with some propositions.
Hastily he browsed a book with paintings in front of my nose.
You know… flip flip flip flip flip…
“Some flower perhaps?” He showed me an image of a cluttered bouquet in a clay pot.
I didn’t answer.
So a book with the softest, and most detailed aquarelle paintings. Maybe, could I…. ???
MY GOODNESS! Who do you think I am? A pale-painting Frida Khaloo??? I still can’t draw and at earlier trials with aquarelle, I totally screwed it up!
(I didn’t say that out loud.)
Then he showed me the photo of that woman with the big hat. The original actually looked like something that could have been painted by Degas. Except for that hat instead of ballet shoes and tutu.
I just looked at him.
“That’s the one I painted last week.”
“The flowers then?”
The clay pot showed up in front of my eyes once more.
Inside me, I drew a deep sigh. I could have done better with something by Picasso… even…
“Okaaaay!” I said.
Just to have at least something to start with.
And get him going somewhere else.
He went to the copy-machine and came back with a copy of the painting, and I found a pencil and paper. And acrylic paint, though there really is a shortage of color choices…
I got black, blue, ochre yellow, and white.
Then I just sat there…
With the pen in the hand…
His last words wobbling in my head…
“Now, take it easy. Work slowly and thoroughly… ”
I felt like something down under.
And I don’t mean Australia.
Nor a kangaroo…
Did nothing but stared at the paper for a long, long time… glancing at the non-existing red, yellow, green etc acrylic colors, at the few possible brushes… stared at the empty paper…
Moved the hand with the pencil, gently… gently… moved the tip over the paper surface… maybe…. almost… it could be… the pot… a thin line across the sheet… some curves that perhaps and almost could be placeholders for leaves… for the flowers… gently… gently…
felt very heavy
wanted to go home
it wasn’t fun at all…
having to do what’s supposed to be the right way to do it when you can’t do it. (Gosh what a lot of nagging about “can’t”)
IT’S NOT MY WAY AND I STILL CAN’T DRAW OR SKETCH OR WHATEVER!!!
I didn’t want to go home either! I want these 2,5 painting hours every Monday, and I want them filled with fun! With companions! To feel inspired – like the last time… like when I DO my photos and PLAY with coloring images on the iPad… I want to lose myself in mindfulness and creativity…
NOTHING MORE AND NOTHING LESS!
I like the women, I’ve begun to know! I want to be in this world, doing something I’ve longed for, for a long time. Not keep on sitting home alone! I want to have more friends, and here seem to be friends!
I decided to get the fuck out of the “proper” way. I lay the pencil aside, grabbed a rather thin brush due for acrylic colors, began to paint… and lost myself in good feelings.
In this case, I’d rather do it the “wrong way” and have fun and feel nurtured and satisfied, than trying to do it the “right” way – and feel awful about it. I’m going to work a little bit more on this one though…
The fun thing is, when the painting was done, I got several positive reactions. Even He said something positive – hm… what was it he said? It was kind of pale, compared with what the others said, but still…
I don’t like to call him a teacher, I can’t see he is teaching anyone anything. He’s there, he’s a really good painter himself, and undoubtedly he knows about painting! But he says “Hi”… open the cupboard with the stuff… see too that we have something to do… and when we approaches the end of the hours, he looks at what we have done.
He is just a supervisor!!!
On the other hand – all the other woman are really good at what they do. I’m the only one who could use some tutoring. On the other hand – again – I’m clever enough to find out for myself. In theory, I already know quite a great deal about painting! And in reality! It’s just to keep on, trying, testing. What happens if I try this, if I do that? If I learn about brushes? When, where, how to use them and with which kind of colors?
Trial and errors! And then try again!
Yes! I said something like this out loud: Since I can’t draw, I paint in my way, ’cause that way makes me happy!
mean yellow, the color.
don’t mean jealous
or something like that
mean that I
for some reason have gone
from dark to bright
but there has to be
some yang in the yin
and some yin in the yang
or else there is lack in balance
Silly as it may seem, I got an AHA-moment about that.
Oh! Maybe not so silly after all!
Anyone can blame anything, for not doing something.
“I can’t do that because I am… too fat… too old…too ugly… have ADHD… don’t have time… he/she won’t let me… it’s too cold… it’s too warm…”
One can finish those “can not because” with anything at all, that may stop someone from doing something. Even what he or she down deep actually wants to do. (That’s something, eey?)
I think it’s due to some kind of fear. Fear of pain. Afraid of making a fool of oneself. Possible failure. Low self-esteem. (You go on here…)
And yes, of course. Out of mere laziness.
“I don’t feel like doing this. You do it for me. Or not. I don’t care.”
We can’t rule mere laziness out. Nor overly spoiled brats…
Of course, there are things that are impossible!
A person with lots of pain in the legs/hip/feet can naturally not go for a long walk. But on the other hand… this person… how did he or she get this pain? By an accident? Like a car-hit or something?
By something smaller that he or she nurtured with an increasing amount of medicament from the doctor, feeling sorry for him- herself, being afraid of actually even try to use the legs. TO WALK!
There we have the fear again! And I won’t speculate about deeper psychological issues here and now.
It seems to be common,
to avoid something
out of fear of failure.
But also – because of fear
of a possible success.
Perhaps not writing that novel
because it never will be good enough?
Perhaps not writing that novel because it might be a success. What then?
Could one ever write another?
Why do I keep telling myself I can’t write because I don’t get any ideas, that my fantasy is cloaked up somewhere? Why don’t I even try to write something? At least a short story?
Why don’t I even try!!!
I know I CAN write. I HAVE fantasy somewhere inside. It’s just temporarily hidden. I probably hid it myself! I have been there! I’ve done it before! Written novels and short stories, and lots and lots of drafts…
I began to think a little bit extra about this yesterday during a conversation I had with Ray (NB). I don’t think she had the attempt to give me a pep talk, at least not at first. But after a while, I felt that was just what I got! So – first of all – I want to thank you SOOO MUCH for your comments, Ray, and how these helped me feel!
It was like a gentle, but no less, a kick in the ass that rumbled about all the way up to my brain.
It spoke to me! It said:
“You’re avoiding to even try to do the things you want to do the most. You’re telling yourself you don’t get any ideas, that the fantasy has shut down itself! You think you are too tired, too much in pain, have too much stiffness in the muscles… IS THAT REALLY TRUE?”
“What are you avoiding”, the feeling continued. “What are you afraid of? The failure or the success? And do you really, really believe, that some stiffness in your muscles should hinder you from sitting in a chair writing??? You’re sitting in your chair or on the sofa watching Youtube! What’s the difference? The sitting or the sitting?
Are you so stupid that you actually think that – and believe it???”
Since I at that point had begun to feel some kind of easiness both in my brain and my body, I had to agree. I was avoiding things, and not only writing. Exactly what and why was at the moment of little concern. What was important, was that I realized I was doing it.
What was I doing instead? When coming to think of that, not much really. I have some duties, family and friends, and a lot of cultural offerings of museums, parks etc, which I can visit whenever I like.
Except now – due to the weather and my habit of biking everywhere I go.
Aside from that, I realized I do mostly very shallow things. I could have written the first draft of something after my move in here, but instead, I’ve been watching movies and series, been coloring on an app on my iPad, spent lots of time with some solitaire, or jigsaw puzzle or Mahjong or Sudoku… (name it. I tried it…)
Not bad, per se, it can be very relaxing and a solitaire can often help me be attentive enough to listen to something. Like a documentary or some of those channelers I like to listen to. But it has taken up a lot of time, and I more and more have become addicted to it. Nothing in my hands? Lay a solitaire! Even when I eat AND watching a movie…
Mornings I spend too long in bed, with the iPad, playing with one or another of those apps. (Just one more time!) Also in the evening. It has to stop!!!
So yesterday evening I deleted all those games except the puzzle from my iPad, and this morning I got up one hour earlier than I normally have done. Instagram only couldn’t keep me in bed any longer.
That felt weird, but good.
Law of Attraction says: “What you focus on, grows!”
For way too long I’ve been focusing on the stiffness and the pain, on the food I eat, on the walking/biking/training. I’ve focused on it as in; “I do it for the purpose to be healthy!” Be, as in “become”.
Instead, I should focus on “I am healthy!” Think so and believe it! Feel it!
Under the pain and stiffness and fatigue, there’s nothing wrong with me! Okay! I’ve had that stress in me, and suffered from a burn-out, and been sitting way too much (and often badly) – but should I really let that keep on haunting me? Forever???
So – advice to me:
STOP feeling guilty if I don’t eat the “perfect” food, if I don’t exercise enough, or if I – HEY!!! – fail in thinking the right thoughts all the time!
Instead! Enjoy being me! Do what I like when I like to do it! Eat chocolate! Spend a day or two on the sofa. Eat chicken filet with french fries at Ikea – without bad conscious afterward! Why not take a tour on one of the ferries, to and fro Denmark? (When the weather… etc…)
And Oh YES! Watch a movie or two, or some episodes from some TV-series, and enjoy it! Don’t feel guilty for spending time…
- Focus on what I want to do now and for the rest of my life!
- Get the habit of spending time writing, daily – whatever comes out of it, doesn’t matter! Write a daily journal for goodness sake!!! The rest will come when the time is due!
- Read more! I love to read, have always! But now – advice to myself – keep on reading at least one more page when this sense of restlessness creeps up on me.
- Ignore the restlessness!
I see you, Restlessness! I acknowledge you! I thank you for all these years I needed you, and which you helped me through. But now I have to let you go! I don’t need you anymore. It’s time to go on. Time to rise higher and meet new challenges and experiences. I am healed. I am good!
It’s a colorful day today, isn’t it? Let’s keep it that way, even if it’s cloudy and gray.
For me, I’ll be attending a birthday party this afternoon. Not that it will be any partying, per se, the man in question is turning 75 and quite handicapped. Parkinson’s disease, wheel chair and such. However, the entire family is gathering. Dinner and, later on, coffee and cake.
I figure I’ll be happy when turning back home to my solitude again. Too much people, too much talking, too much noise, is quite tiring, even tiresome. – Though it also will be fun meeting everybody.