The Dos

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What do I do,
when I don’t do,
what I should do?

I could say I hibernate, I almost do.

Lingering time with thousands of thoughts
in a never-ending story.

Better to run, to hide,
to be on my own,
when things go wild, inside.

I think I do.

I’ve always loved the color red

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A snowy afternoon
by the time of Christmas.
The heaven is dark, but
millions of lights are glittering
from every street,
every building,
in the city

I’m twelve,
or maybe even fourteen,
a most sensitive age for a girl,
who still hadn’t been kissed
or looked for.

“Ah”, I said,
and stopped in front of
the large store-window
“Look, mom, what a beautiful red coat!”

I could hear her frown when she said:
“You, who are so gray and insignificant, shall not wear red.”

Later on I got a new winter coat,
a gray one, with a collar buttoned up to the chin.

And I can still feel the pain.

Thea by Me – from “Down Memory Lane”

To write, or not to write

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Is that a question?
In that case, my answer is yes.

This account, the first blog called “Thoughts & Ponderings”, I started since I wanted to write about Mom and what I experienced during my childhood. And further on…
I also wanted to write about my spiritual path, including doing the lessons in “A Course in Miracles.

First, my Childhood Memories

– finished way sooner than I thought it would. I came to terms with my Mom. That’s a good thing and I’m really glad. What I wrote then, you now can read under the label “Down Memory lane” in the menu. I’ve altered the posts into a chronological order, just the way I wrote it.

Second – doing the lessons in “A Course in Miracles”

– there I failed. Actually, that doesn’t bother me. There are many ways to reach conscious awareness, and maybe this particular one isn’t mine to go. Or it will be later.

And due to that, most of my writing stopped which I hadn’t been counting on. I wrote some, but in a way, after finishing writing about Mom, I felt quite emptied.

I also realized I wasn’t quite pleased with the blog itself. Not the writing per se, but partly what it looked like and mostly whereas the name.
The web address, particularly. Way too long! After some pondering, I reckoned the easiest way was to create a new blog. If I had understood it rightly, it would cost me a sum to change the web address, and then I would still be haunted by the .wordpress part of it.

At that time it felt natural to me, to call the blog “Thêa by Me” and I immediately created a new blog under that name – and didn’t have to cope with any numbers put in there like an unwanted tail.

Of course, Wp offered me a premium plan to a 20% discount, and I jumped to it!
So there’s the name, short and simple. http://www.theabyme.com. And there are no ads any longer, and I have more themes to choose from – which doesn’t make choosing easier, by the way.

So now what?
I’m supposed to write!
What’s stopping me?

I want to be true!
To both myself and to my writing!
I want to write every day!
I want to write important things, about topics that matter!
Topics that interests me!

And then I end up telling about my soon to be apartment, and that I’ve begun going to a gym for working out. How interesting is that?

Okay! One of my interests is the conception of food and health – but I don’t want to have a pure food-blog. I’ve been there, done that.
I’ve also realized I’m not a one-topic-person! I can’t stick to that. So I’ll be versatile since that’s more me!

Can I begin with some serious writing now?

Hopefully! And meantime I’ll try to figure out the right categories, and try to stick to those. One topic – one category. Spirituality, Quotes, Down Memory Lane, Food & Health… what else?


 

One last thing though. Those people who have been visiting me and also follow me at “Thoughts & Ponderings”? What about them?

I’ve been thinking about that. And we all know one thing. Either people follow you because they want to follow you, and for one or another reason like what you publish. But there are also those who follow just because they want you to follow them. And there are business people who want you to buy something.

Those who show up here now, from T&P, are the ones well worth keep following. Isn’t it? Except those who just want something from you.

Apropos that! I also want to be more active in commenting. I read most of the posts in the blogs I follow but am still terrible to comment. But I’ll give that until mid-December. When I’m through all packing and cleaning and moving. I accept that I now am in some kind of half-half country. In between apartments, metaphorically speaking. Don’t have my mind properly focused on anything, actually. Hardly even read any books at present…

High time!

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Yes! It’s about time now to put in some effort and do – whatever it is I’m supposed to do. I have been a lazy-butt lately, but it has had its reasons. One of those, a very unexpected one.

I’d been tired and felt very murky for quite some time. Weeks and weeks. A bit up, and a bit down, but never really well and filled with energy. I asked my inner being for help. To tell me if there was something I was regularly eating that wasn’t good for me.

About 1,5 week ago, there was the Voice in my head telling me I shouldn’t eat chlorella. That is an alga known to be very nutritious, and also very helpful to clean the body from waste products.

Since I’ve learned to listen to this inner Voice, I immediately stopped taking that food supplement. In less than 24 hours I felt much more alert. The stomach wasn’t bloated as much anymore, and the tiredness was at a more normal rate. I suddenly slept better, and wanted to do more of – everything! (Except the dishes… 😉 )

In less than a week I had also lost 1,2 kilograms (almost 3 pounds), and I felt really perky! It was easier to eat less, and to stay hungry for a while before eating,

Overall – I realized it was easier for me to move around. I had regained energy, and among other things, I biked more easily again. In fact, the first two weeks of biking in October were lousy, my log-file told me, but now my strength and willingness to bike had come back to normal again. No! I actually feel better now than earlier!

I also really enjoy going to the gym. It feels good – and I feel slim, even though I am not. Not yet.

Actually! I had no idea it was the alga that was the problem, and I’m really grateful for my inner being to taking care of me, helping me, and teaching me stuff.

Guess what I did this weekend?

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I went a step further!

Only biking as exercise, isn’t enough. On the contrary. Together with computer work and sofa hang, you’re just sitting way too much. The same muscles, doing the same thing. You don’t use all the other muscles much, and thus, you don’t get balance. You also don’t do enough of physical activities. Unless you fling around all day through, with other stuff which inquires muscular involvement.

I don’t! I’m a retiree living alone in a small apartment, with very few obligations to perform. My interests are reading and writing and creating images in different ways. So I sit a lot.

Something had to be done about that. Going out on bike tours are good, but not enough. Even though I’ve increased my physical capability while biking this year, I move my body way too little. And now it’s time. Time to move further.

It’s thanks to the biking I’ve done so far! Without the next to daily use of my bike, I would probably have had way more physical shortcomings than I have. And with a different personality, I might at this time perhaps been addicted to medical care; medicines, and frequent visits to doctors. Diabetes, high blood pressure and such, perhaps.
I have still pain and stiffness in my body. That’s all.

My personality claims: Healthy eating and refusing to take drugs of any kind – which most of all includes medicines. Exercise in fun ways as much as possible, and do fun things, laugh, dance, anything that makes me feel good. All of these I could do more of… especially the exercising part…

Positive thinking – more of that later on – meditation or other forms of mindful relaxation, calmness, love… connecting with the Creator, living in the Realm of what most people call God. Spiritually and mentally I think I’ve grown a lot this last year. I feel really fine! Not perfect, maybe, if there is anything we can call perfect on this earth.

So what to do now, is to take more care of my body. I don’t eat “bad”, but I can do better. And then the physical. Now its time to go beyond biking.

This Saturday I visited one of the nearby training centers. The second nearest. The nearest felt a bit too posh. Too big. Too much! And I don’t want to swim or take a sauna, for example, and it would cost me more per month. So I chose to check this one out. Which still has “everything”. Gym, group training of different kinds, Zumba, personal trainer… name it – they’ve got it! But for now I only wanted some information, and to feel the energy of the place. Would I like it here?

I signed up! But didn’t do anything. Instead, I biked to the shopping center. Found myself a pair of shoes, that would fit during training, and a long, big t-shirt… 😉

Sunday afternoon I went there again. With all the necessary training equipment. (Not much really)
At first, it felt a bit scary. Coming all by myself into a big room filled with machines and weights. And men… quite a lot of them. One woman… But nobody cared much, they minded there own business. And soon I too was minding my own business.

Some of the machines I was familiar with from earlier periods in my life at some gym or another, some I hadn’t encountered before. I worked out very cautiously for a while – and with pauses in between – on my back, shoulders and belly.
Today, Tuesday morning, I can really feel I did something that afternoon.

Tomorrow afternoon I’ve booked 45 minutes, to get introduced to the machines and how to work them. Hopefully, it will only be me and the trainer then…

… or maybe it would be nice to meet another beginner?
Since that’s what I am. One anew beginner.

One corner of the room. at a rare moment with no one there.

Zumba

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It sounds so fun! The music is…so… I WANNA DANCE!

Linguistic ponderings

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Since English isn’t my native language, I have some issues around that. I don’t write as fast as I do in my own language which, by the way, is Swedish.

When writing in my own language, I’m really good. Maybe even excellent. I have a huge vocabulary, know grammar really well, and have the ability to use the language and make it into whatever I want.

It’s not just about technique, knowing grammar and having a huge vocabulary, that makes a text good. And it doesn’t matter what you’re writing. A novel, a short story, an essay, an article – or whatever else.

It’s the feeling for the language and the topic that matters. Knowing how to use the tools and the rules and even change them, if necessary. It’s about using the words, and the layout, to make them reflect what’s in the text.

It’s about showing, not telling. It’s about letting the readers live inside the text, to be with it and feel it just as if they are there themselves! Not just reading it plain and square.

I can do that! Not in the first draft of course. Writing well is not about getting your baby perfect immediately. It’s about working with the text, over and over again, like as if it was a lump of clay you’re modeling, or a canvas turning into a grandiose painting.

Yes! I paint with words!

Or – at least I did.
Until the CFS burnt me into silence.

That is, I’m still skilled! I have still the tools. I’m still experienced, schooled and knowledgeable. I know how to do this!

I have now regained most of my concentration ability, a couple of years ago that ability was next to nil. But I’ve still not regained my fantasy. I don’t know what to write! Where are those ideas that earlier always came to me? And don’t give me any clever advice here, I know them all!

Yet! I feel I’m on my way! For example, when taking tours on my bike, my mind keeps on “writing”, Those writings just don’t get transferred to the computer!
A funny thing though, my mind is mostly writing in English!

So! I’m obviously not as good in English as in Swedish. Nothing odd about that. I’ll probably never will be! But… that, of course, depends on whom I’m compared with…  and I’m getting better and better!

Nowadays I always watch English and American movies without Swede subs. I started doing that about nine to ten years ago.
Almost all the books I read nowadays, I read in English. More and more during these last 5-6 years, ever since I really discovered iBooks. Oh gosh! I love that app.

Then there is YouTube. Which is not only filled with music. There are loads of documentaries. There are audio-books. And all those seminars and teachings in the spiritual realm, I’ve discovered. Wayne Dyer, Louise Hay, all channelings like Kryon, Abraham-Hicks. Even movies! The Secret!
What would I have done, if I hadn’t been able to understand spoken English! I’d been outside of a whole realm!

So why do I seem to be complaining over writing or not writing in English?

I’ll tell you!
It takes such a long time to do it! Way longer then writing in Swedish.

Nerdy as I am, when it comes to writing and language-handling, I would love to write as perfect as possible! And I realize I don’t. I have some ISSUES! For example, I have a hard time with prepositions. Some of them are as glued together with the main word. Some are just… NOT glued together! And I keep guessing since I know no rules for this. Where is the logic? What…???  of?… at?… by?…???

I struggle with checking the dictionary for synonyms, the right preposition, or maybe for a word in english I don’t already know! Just to get the text, just as I want it to be! Just as I can make it be, when I write in Swedish!

I began to learn English at school, and I must have been like twelve or thirteen at that time. And school is school! You just have to learn grammar and spelling as well as a decent vocabulary. Nowadays kids begin to learn English at a much younger age. And mostly they at that time already know some – thanks to the internet and all technical devices.

Years after that, not much happened! Not until Internet. Blogging. Books…

Since then my vocabulary has increased immensely. But I can’t spell as good as I used to since I now mostly learn by listening! Thus I don’t always see the word for my inner eye, as I do the words I learned by reading and writing. There are also not only “perfect” English! There are slang words and different dialects. The patterns of spoken language are so distinct from those of writing. There are these personal differences… and so on…

And it’s fun! It’s fun to learn new expressions! Y’all… And I like it so much!

So sometimes it can be hard to find out how to spell a word… and maybe, maybe I don’t use it the best way. But I keep on learning! I want to learn more.

Meantime, though, I keep on checking my writings in dictionaries. Looking for words, synonyms.
Is it “chose” or “choose” here? I always mix up those words with each other. As I do with “lose” and “loose”, and… well… others…
Is the word (XXX) correct to use in this meaning? Does it say what I want it to say?
What synonym can I use here?
And so on…

No wonder it takes me so long to write a post. Often hours… and hours…

For some time now, I have used 1Checker as a helper. It’s hm… so so… helps a bit, but I know English enough to see it often gives very ludicrous solutions. I don’t’ trust it fully!

Earlier today I downloaded Grammarly, there is a free release now as well as a paid one. And it seems to be very good! And it’s so much easier to use… it kind of makes it even funnier to write! I so much want to see what it says about my writings! And so far, before checking this particular post, my rankings lies between 94 and 98! I’m so pleased. (Though those previous texts are fairly short ones.)

(Now I’ll run the first check (and make the changes)

This post, up to this point, wasn’t that good. Mostly I had made mistakes by carelessness. Like missing one letter in a word, writing “dont'” instead of “don’t”, and such mistakes.
I would, without doubt, have found those mistakes all by myself while editing. I always edit my texts. That’s another reason why writing takes me so long. But I find that necessary if I want to be pleased with what I’ve written. I do that in Swedish texts as well. Gosh, what a writer I am!

As I said – this is so fun! And if I write directly into Grammarly, I see the mistakes almost at the same time as I make them!
I little bit disturbing, I must say. Better write first, then edit, and then let Grammarly check it all. Better ranking then…

And finally – I decide what to keep and what has to go, or to be changed.