I feel….

I feel so…
I feel…

I… don’t quite know how I feel, or what I feel.
A least I can’t put a label on it!

I’m not sad, not angry, not … not anything negative, really!

On the whole, I feel good. I like being back in my city, close to my daughters.
I love my apartment, really enjoy living here.

I don’t have many friends, but I love those I have.
I’m mostly alone, but enjoy that! Feel good when being in my solitude and silence.

So far, so good!
But still, there is something. I think the word frustrated is the most appropriate one.

I want so much to write and to read, as I used too.
Not too long ago I got new ideas all the time, and I wrote and I wrote! And I read books by the minute! All the time I had some book in my hands.

And now! Nothing comes to me!
No! Not quite true! Lately, I’ve begun getting ideas again. During the past few months only. Or even weeks. After the move?
Unfortunately neither due for a novel, nor a short story, nor anything like that. But something I could make into a blog post! I’m being out somewhere, and get some kind of monologue in my head. I feel happy about that.

Finally, finally, I can write again! Like I used to!

Then.
When home.
Sitting in front of my computer.
All is lost and all I can see is a huge black mountain which I can’t climb.
Even the threshold is too high for me to climb.
It is so frustrating.

Reading? Well, I do read some. There was a time, not that long ago, when I couldn’t concentrate on reading at all. Then slowly that ability awakened, but I’m still a long way from reading as I used to.

But I do blog, don’t I?
Yes! I do!
And I’m so happy about that enhancement in my writing life, but I can also see most of those posts are quite mediocre. I want to do better!
I can do better!

The best ones,though, are those I wrote during the first months of this blog’s existence. The ones about my Mom and the abuse. I just don’t need to write more about that topic. I’m in peace with Mom! Pity, in a way, but one can’t dwell in the past. It’s the now that counts.

So why do I still have a problem with writing?

In early 2006 I moved to a city some 80 km north from where I live now. Many times during the years thereafter, I wondered why on earth I made that move. Well! I was offered a job there, and there was also a Mr. Somebody whom I thought maybe could be Mr. Right. But both the Job and the Mr soon went down the drain. Picturesquely speaking.

But left, was this push I had got in my butt when the Mr had said:
“WRITE! You have it in you!”

Immediately I searched for writing classes, then I wrote and I studied, got writing friends and kept on like that until 2012. And as you probably understand already, this was NOT the first time I was writing anything literary. I done that to and fro ever since I learned to write. And I read books before that. Read all the time, everywhere, and my mother all the time told me not to. It wasn’t good for my eyes, she claimed!!!

I didn’t realize it just then, but I had during a couple of years developed a burn-out condition. What I had noticed, was that it had become difficult for me to come up with new stories for the classes, and even harder for me to read and then comment on my fellows writing-pieces. For a while, I cheated. From me, I chose old stories to bring instead of writing anything new; and I glanced a bit on the other guys’ texts and then commented something… very general…

But I realized after a couple of semesters this wasn’t reasonable. I didn’t write anything new, I didn’t learn anything new, and I didn’t contribute anything to my writing friends.

I gave up.

So when I say I wrote and worked in the classes with writing until Christmas 2012, it isn’t quite true. I tried to, wrote some, and actually one of my most beautiful short stories I wrote in 2012. But I felt like a failure. A very tired and lonely failure.

It took me a couple of years before I truly realized all this was due to stress. My brain, my mind, couldn’t take my present situation any longer and  – in a way – shut down parts of itself.

Well! I still functioned! I kept doing what I had to do to survive. No one to help me through my daily life, I had to go on. But I kept me more and more to myself since I had no energy left for doing anything else.

I don’t say all was black and sad and lonely and depressed. Oh no! First of all, all these m o m e n t s occurred in periods, and some periods were good! Many days were good! What helped me a lot, was when I discovered my ability to express myself in images, and in making posters and such. Lots of colors. My fantasy had a way to go, through editing photos, adding filters, playing with lensflares and such possibilities. I still do that sometimes, but way back then – mostly between late 2013 til late 2016 – it was kind of lifeline to me

And now! On my way…

Later I used to say, I could from 2012 and forward, very well have worked with proofreading and/or editing texts. My skills and my talent, which I have had all my life, and my knowledge and capability were still intact. What I had lost were the fantasy and the ability to concentrate. But that was frustrating enough!

Frustrating! Yes! Still!
But I’m grateful I now can write blog posts fairly frequently and fairly fluent – even in English. But my own opinion of how I write and even more about what I write – is that it is quite mediocre. I can be more interesting! I can do better! I want to do better!

A cat rescuing me!!! Some vegan thoughts!!!

At the same time, it kind of amazes me, that I’ve chosen to write in English! Why? When it’s so much quicker and easier to write in Swedish? Okay! There are more than one answer, to that question. But the bottom line is, that I’m actually good at writing! In my own language, that is. In Swedish! I have a large vocabulary, I’m really good at spelling, and I know my grammar. I know so much grammar, that I also can bend the rules if I want to. And make the text understandable and “right”!

I’m also good with “showing not telling”, and dialogues. I can make people feel “like they are there” when they read. And I would be hugely ashamed of myself if I had to use Grammarly when writing in Swedish – if there is a Grammarly for Swedish texts, that is…

Writing in English is quite different. It’s not only on commas, that Grammarly and I have different opinions…

Despite all this in my back pocket – 

I can’t reach my imagination, and my brain is still not sufficiently cooperative when it comes to focusing on words! I feel numb!
I’ve been pondering to continue writing on some of my old drafts, I have a couple of quite good ones to chose from. The thought has felt quite appealing, actually. But so far nothing has gotten beyond that thought. 😦

Talk about being frustrated!

And writing in English! – It takes at least twice the time to write something. So blurting out all these words must be extraordinary, and how many hours has this taken me? I have absolutely no idea!

It must be hope somewhere, mustn’t it?

(Also when writing in Swedish I’m very particular,
but at least I used to land it faulty-free there and then.)

 

 

Reality Check

Literally, today isn’t a gray day. It’s white. And gray. It’s snowing. Snow is considered beautiful, and I agree! A white landscape. Blue sky. Sun shining. Or – why not like this?

But still – I don’t like it at all. Snowy city-streets and biking-lanes make the whole thing of walking and biking so much harder. Especially here, in this part of Sweden, the south.

It snows! It melts. It rains perhaps a bit! It freezes. The surface gets uneven from all footprints and wheel tracks. It gets slippery. Wet ice. It freezes again…

With a bit of luck, this will only remain for a couple of days. But who says we will be lucky?

Now it seems to have stopped snowing. What is it doing instead?
Or is it just a pause?
The snow on the trees has fallen down to the ground. Is it windy outdoors?
Or is the snow melting already?

No! It’s -3 C. Below freezing point is no melting point. *sigh*

Grammarly claims I have monotonous sentences. It’s marked “1”. Which one?
And so what? Is that a crime?

I feel monotonous, so my text mirrors that feeling.
That’s the way I write.
I mirror feelings – though not necessarily my own.

Vegan, the Trial

Yesterday I bought minced beef, eggs and butter… and made myself a burger for dinner…
So now what?

Did I fail on my quest?

Nah…
I re-decided.

Not completely! I just felt too restricted. And I decide on my own, don’t I? What to eat or not to eat.

Eight days without eggs and butter. That’s all. Everything else was about the same. I really rarely eat meat of any kind. Beef, pork, chicken, fish. I would say I’m already 80-90 % vegan. So why should stop eating eggs and butter for eight days be so hard? What’s the difference?

The Forbidding.
The “you must not”.
The “you’re not allowed”!

What I wanted with this, was to see if being without eggs would make my stomach issues better. It didn’t. And I’ve tested this before. Once again, it doesn’t seem that eggs have anything to do with that.

And added to that – I think vegan eating is a much better choice. Not only for the health but for the environment and  the survival of our entire earth. If I could put together my thoughts and find the proper words for what I want to say, I could write a long, long post about what the present “meat production” does to us and our world. Won’t be fun reading!

I’ll try to do that one, another time. And by the way! We certainly don’t need that huge amount of meat most people think we do. We are brainwashed! (I’m not, though.)

Now back to a more personal look at this! I wrote the word “restricted” up there, somewhere. Yes! I am restricted when it comes to food. And I don’t talk about eight days without eggs and butter now. From a larger view, I can’t eat dairy products. It makes me ill. Still, I cheat sometimes, mostly by buying myself a caffe latte. I don’t feel sick it if it’s only once in a while. But daily – no! Cheese, yogurt, milk on a daily basis, literally makes me ill. Bedridden actually, in just a couple of weeks. No energy left, headache, nausea, extreme fatigue… (I tried LCHF for about a month a couple of years ago. It didn’t go well.)

Since the protein is my main problem, not the lactose so much, it gets worse if I eat cheese. So that’s totally out of the question. Cream can work in small doses, maybe in a sauce or something. And – as with any dairy product – only if I haven’t got any other choice of what to eat. I never buy and take home any dairy products myself, though.

What affects the vegan trial hugely, is that I can’t eat wheat, rye or oats. Those are a big NO-NO. Stomach ache, we talk about stomach ache and nausea! It’s really a pity, I could have gotten lots of food at a relatively low cost. And oats seems to be about everywhere, nowadays!

Lots of what I can see on vegan accounts on Instagram, are fruit, veggies, nuts, seeds etc, that I either can’t find here or they are more or less expensive. Exotic, delicious – and expensive. And all these “super-foods” and…. and…

No! Stop! I could keep on whining here about what I can’t eat, but I won’t. Would just be boring. Let’s just say – I’m restricted! A lot! So why restrict me even more?

By allowing myself to eat meat, eggs, butter and whatever more it might be, I give myself more freedom of choice. That’s all! It does not mean I’ll begin eating meat, eggs etc every day! I haven’t done that in ages, so I won’t start now.

And I’ll keep on eating more and more of plant-based, whole-grain food, and not chose animal products as first hand

This is what I’m gonna do!

  • First of all – totally skip all dairy products, not giving in for that temptation!
  • That includes of course the temptation I fall for the most – to buy a caffee latte, which means I can’t buy one at the gas station any longer… (best so – the milk is probably what is causing my current stomach trouble)
  • Learn more about vegan cooking.
  • Keep focusing mainly on the plant based, whole-grain way of eating.
  • Never again buy processed food. Not even bacon… (my weakness)
  • Chose organic products, as much as possible.
  • Buy what is produced locally as much as possible.
  • Buy only organic bananas… and not the green ones… 😉

But I will eat chicken once in a while if I feel like it!
And bake me a cake on an egg.
At least for the time being.

As I yesterday choose to buy some organic butter, a couple of eggs, and a small tray of minced beef which came from some farm nearby, ground and packed in the store’s facilities.

And there is so much more I could write about nutrition and health...
And about how meat is "produced" - especially in the US as it seems..

Vegan – the first few days

Today is day four, and I can’t say I have any big issues with the vegan quest. Not so far, anyway. But, of course, it has only been three days! And breakfasts are never any problem!

Being without meat, any kind, isn’t difficult since I have been eating so little of it and so rarely earlier. Mostly those meals with for example chicken, has been eaten when I’ve been somewhere else where dinner was served. Like Christmas day. That was the last time I had chicken. Fish – ages ago. Red meat, beef and such – don’t remember. Pork – I admit I once in a while have bought some sausages when visiting Ikea, but that’s not often. Visiting Ikea is – but not eating sausages there.

My Achilles heel is bacon, that’s what I usually long for when been eating vegetarian for some time. This Swedish bacon, really thinly sliced, salty and slightly smoked, fried until crispy. Mjummy!!! Also cut in pieces in a soup or some casserole. Earlier I could also long for grilled chicken, but not so much any longer. It’s actually only the salty crunchy I long for!

Yesterday evening I had spaghetti with garlic, green peas, and the last butter. At lunch, I wished I had had some eggs, mostly because I was in a hurry between two events, but I managed. So, what I mainly have to deal with from now on, are – eggs and butter and my occasional café au lait. Which I knew about already when I began this quest.

These restrictions pop up very clearly now, since tomorrow, Saturday, my daughter and her family is coming to fetch Hopi. Hopi the cat! And since I had my birthday just the other day, I also promised them lunch, and a cake for the coffee afterward.

Oh! My goodness!

Lunch is no problem! I have a package of minced “meat” (soya), so I can make Spaghetti Bolognese. But the cake! With neither eggs nor butter!? I know there are lots of recipes on the internet, but lots of them have other restrictions for me. Like wheat flour… oats…

A small problem, probably, but old habits are the hardest to change. I will manage though! Somehow!

Flirting with Veganism – Day minus One

The last egg… and I didn’t want it for lunch.

No!

I didn’t feel like eating my last egg stir-fried with some curry spiced whole grain rice and arugula.

I wanted a cake! A chocolate cake! So I baked and I used both butter and some sugar to make it really tasty, and it also came out deliciously gooey. It might have been my best chocolate cake ever.

Yes! I ate it all. In the afternoon with a cup of coffee.

After all! This was the last egg and tomorrow is my birthday! 😀